24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

29 Annoying Ways to Order a Pizza

1. Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!"

2. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order, "would you please stop doing that...?"

3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

4. Do not name your toppings; rather, spell them out.

5. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

6. Order 52 pepperoni slices arranged in a fractal pattern following from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they're getting all of this down.

7. If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to $10.99. Please pull up to the window."

8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "Yes," heave a sigh of relief.

9. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni," using a long "i" sound.

10. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

11. Ask to see a menu.

12. Say you'll be able to pay for this "when the Hollywood people call back."

13. Demand imperiously, "Do you have ANY IDEA what is at stake with this pizza?!?"

14. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

15. Punctuate your sentences with exclamations such as "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

16. Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry."

17. Sing the order to the tunes of songs from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" album: "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"; "Master! Master! Put hot sausages on my pizza!"; or "Gimme Pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme Pizza!"

18. Give your order, then state firmly, "And that's as far as this relationship is going to get."

19. Ask for a deal available from a different pizza chain (e.g., if phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser)

20. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck."

21. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

22. Learn to imitate a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

23. Attempt to teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

24. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

25. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

26. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.

27. If order-taker suggests a side order, ask why s/he is punishing you.

28. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (So-and-so)."

29. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your poutiest voice, "LAST guy let me do it..."

18 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter (i.e. You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

1) Get the copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

2) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3) Bring cheerleaders.

4) Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

5) On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

6) Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

7) Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

8) Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

9) Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

10) Turn in the eam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

11) Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks you why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

12) Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

13) Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

14) From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

15) One word: Wrestlemania.

16) Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

17) Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc . . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

18) Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the secion on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so.".

9 Fun Things to Do During a Boring Lecture

1) When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.

2) Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."

3) Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.

4) Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

5) Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.

6) Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.

7) Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.

8) Sneeze very loudly. Then have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.

9) When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Nooooooo!" Then run out of the room. See how many people follow you.

5 Ways to Confuse, Worry, Or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out Of People In A Computer Lab

1) Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2) Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes, and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone that looks at you.

3) When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After s/he's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

4) Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

5) Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's setup with.

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh sh*t, my glass eye!!"

6. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before,. . ."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now, how did that get there?”

9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa!  Easy boy!”

11. Say, "Interesting,. . . more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!!  Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze theballoon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"

16. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?”

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your, “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. b 33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

13 Fun Things To Do To Get Salespeople on the Phone to Hang Up

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

13. My personal favorite way to Make a Telemarketer Go Away involves the help of my 3 year old son. When they call & ask to speak with Mr. Stevens, I explain they want the "other Mr. Stevens". As I hand the phone to my son, I tell him to explain all the fun things he did that day, from the detailed slimy booger he picked & where he wiped it, to his favorite & most proud stories about "pooping in the toilet." He is so proud of the shapes he can make. Usually after a few minutes of running around on the cordless phone explaining How proud he was with the details of his day, he comes back & says" they Hung up". Imagine the rudeness of some people.....Go figure....

Top 17 Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire

17. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville and Wilbur ran the business.

16. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?"

15. When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her middle finger.

14. Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747.

13. Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole.

12. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav."

11. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector.

10. Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia Earhart founded the Mile High Club.

9. As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..."

8. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco.

7. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on.

6. Matches entire business class shot for shot.

5. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the aisle.

4. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop.

3. Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices such as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs.

2. Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie."

1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit.