These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
Clark: Lois, I love you and I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner, but I thought it might have put you in more danger, and when I first met you, I also wasn't sure I could trust you. Then, when I was certain that I knew you and loved you and trusted you, and that you loved me, well I tried to find the right time to tell you and . . . well . . . every time I tried, we got interrupted and, I just don't have any excuses for it; simply to say that I love you with all my heart and I trust you and will never keep any secrets from you again. If, after this, you don't want to marry me, I'll definetely understand. You're still my best friend and my soul-mate and, what really matters to me, is your happiness.
Lois: Clark, have you picked up my nervous babbling habit?
I think Clark, in typical fashion, will spill champange on his tux, go excuse himself, and put in an appearance as the man in blue to congratulate the happy couple.
Supes: Congratulations, Lois! Oh, and where's Clark, that lucky fellow!
Perry: [standing nearby] He had a bit too much champange, you know, all nervous
and jittery . . .
Supes: Ah, I see . . .
Lois: You always just miss him [elbow to the ribs but gently as she knows]
Perry: Do you want me to have a talk with Clark, Lois? We wouldn't want to have him
disappear at a really critical time, say, tonight . . .
Lois: That's a good idea, Chief --
Supes: Hey, wait, I'll go find him and have that man-to-man talk with him. I can
put some muscle behind it, and if he doesn't please you . . .
Lois: You mean, you'd threaten my new husband?
[a hush falls over the reception]
Supes: Ah, well, what I meant was - Hark! I hear a distress call from the other side
of the galaxy! I must be off!
Lois: Again?
FX: Whoosh!
Perry: Well, Lois, honey, don't let that bother you.
Lois: Me, bothered? Personally, I'm glad Clark is mild mannered . . .
[scene: the Kent farmhouse, 1972; CLARK KENT enters the kitchen with an expression of bemused outrage on his young face]
CLARK: MaryEllen Johnston kissed me during recess today. On the lips!
MARTHA: Oh, how cute!
JONATHAN: Son, I've always found that when a girl wants to kiss you, she's gonna kiss
you. As a Kent, as a man, there's only one thing you can do about it. Close your eyes and
think of Kansas.
[MARTHA thwaps JONATHAN with the popsicle-stick sculpture of the Madonna and Child she had been gluing together (this was Martha's classical phase)]
The scene: Lex Luthor's room in an abandoned building in Metropolis. Superman sits in his little Red K cell reading an Animaniacs comic book, apparently not caring that his friends are all held captive. "Superman, snap out of it, dude," yells Jimmy over to the hero, "Fight it! You've gotten past this Kryptonite stuff before, do it again!"
"What are you talking about, Jimmy? I'm fine . . . really . . . " responds Superman, turning the page of his comic. "Pinky and the Brain crack me up all the time," he says with a chuckle.
"Lois, calm down . . . it's not that bad . . . Luthor's given me a bunch of comics to read, so I don't think I'll get bored." responds Superman.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Ah, well, I do have . . . that kind of experience . . ." and she looked around the dining room to see if some reporter from a rival paper was writing all this down. "Lois Lane Has Sex Life!" the headlines would surely scream.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Martha had quietly rejoiced when he'd revealed the way he was going to judge in a pinch just how much he would do: "I'll stop the runaway locomotive, but I'm not going to fix its brakes."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Yep, that I couldn't, right there at the alter. There was no way I could marry him having all the second and third and fourth thoughts I was having, just no way . . . Oh, this one didn't flip as well, but, there, that's okay . . Yes, I just told him right out 'I can't.' I would have told him more, sat down and explained it to him somehow--I didn't want to break his heart, I didn't think he was bad, just . . . second best -- but there wasn't any time, things started moving really fast. I mean, if there had been time, and the Archbishop had asked," her voice took on holy tones, "'If you can't take this man, which man can you take?' and if Clark and Superman both had been sitting there on my side of the aisle, I would have pointed at Clark and said 'I'd like to talk to that fellow there,' and he'd look all innocent and surprised the way he can and check to make sure I wasn't talking about somebody just behind him, and he'd point at himself, 'me?' and Superman would pat him on the back, pick him up and toss him at me . . ." She caught her breath. "But it didn't work out that way."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
So Martha reminisced for her about how not too long after his 16th birthday, on a Sunday
morning, Clark had come into the living room where she and Jonathan were relaxing reading
the papers. Clark's casual, almost fashion-model approach was one that said "I want you
to notice something about me but I don't want you to realize that I want that . . ." and he
stroked his cheeks meaningfully. Finally Jonathan, who Martha was sure knew very well what
was going on, glanced up.
He asked, "Something wrong, son?"
"Ah, no . . . "
"That's good," and he went back to his paper.
"Dad? Do you, ah, well . . . notice anything?"
Jonathan adjusted his glasses and peered at his son. "Nope."
Clark leaned over toward his father and could just barely keep from pointing.
"Nothing?"
Jonathan looked long and hard. "I'd say you're becoming a bit hairy . . . "
Clark brightened up and nodded.
"You want to stay that way?"
"Ah . . . no, not really."
"Then let's do something about it."
Martha laughed. "Oh, Lois, it was so much fun! It was one of those precious male
bonding things, so I couldn't watch, not until it all hell broke loose. But Jonathan had
been preparing for this for awhile, and he had a nice new razor and blade and all that put
aside, ready for the big day, and he showed Clark everything. You can imagine, there was
a whole ritual to go through.
"And then they tried the new razor, but it didn't work. All they could figure out was
that the new blade was dull. They changed blades and tried again but got the same result.
Clark started getting panicky then, I could feel it all the way down here. After all, these
ritual things aren't supposed to break down. He used that microscopic vision of his to see
if something was wrong with the blade and he said the edge was all serrated."
It didn't take long for her two guys to realize that Clark's nascent beard was
invulnerable. They also experimented on his hair, which Clark had been encouraging to grow
long for the last several months, a slow process. It couldn't be cut either.
That's when Martha found herself pulled in to help because Clark's pride in this part
of growing up turned to panic. "I don't want to grow a beard, Dad!" he wailed. "All my
friends look awful in them!" Martha had seen those friends and agreed (but not aloud)
that their efforts were at best scraggly and at worst patchy and wolfmanish.
"I can get the tin snips, son --"
"No! I can't do for the rest of my life!"
Martha shook her head fondly. "Well, we eventually figured out that he could carefully
use his heat vision and a mirror to burn it off, and he's good at it now, though he needs a
little help with his hair back here . . . . " and she pointed to "here" on her own neck.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"You're right, I didn't have time to actually confront them, everything was happening so
fast. Were you careful? They can be dangerous, I'm sure of it. What did you find?"
"Nothing."
"Clark, this is not turning into one of the most thrilling phone conversations I've ever
had."
"Sex-change operation."
"What?"
"Yeah, that was just about my reaction, though Telluride is supposed to be the place
to go have that done. Personally, I wouldn't know."
"Okay, then, I can forgive him, he probably doesn't know any better. Where is he? Is he
taking a . . . Is he in the bathroom?"
"Clark! Superman doesn't take leaks! He's above that!" and actaully he was . . . above
. . .
"Even Superman can't fly faster than the speed of light!"
"Who says? Sure he can fly that fast, every day," he started unpacking his groceries, "and
twice before breakfast on Saturdays, but never, never on a Sunday."
Lois couldn't believe her ears and her stunned expression didn't cause Clark to pull up
and think for even one moment. "Ah . . .?"
"I think he's gay."
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
"Yep, it's obvious if you think about it. That tight, suggestive suit, his working with
all those policemen, and then going after that fashion-plate power-house Lex Luthor. I
think he's afraid to come here because it's mostly guys on poker nights and he thinks his
latent tendencies will--"
By this time she'd picked up the nearest nonbreakable thing, a couch pillow, to throw at
him, and spotted a good heavy book to follow it. She planned to work her way down the coffee
table and then head for the bookcase.
But he caught the pillow, ducked the book and pointed at her. "Stop that!"
"Well, you stop saying stupid things! He's not gay!"
"Oh, yeah? How do you know? - Don't answer that, I don't want the mushy details."
"Don't you dare throw anything more, I can't afford broken things. Some people have one all-purpose suit and can sleep anywhere with anyone, but I have rent and taxes to pay and neighbors who worry, and an appearance to keep up."
"Oh, Clark, I knew you'd help . . ." and she wondered how she could ever have missed those sincere, brown eyes of his or that nice smile . . . "You've got mustard on your chin." Yep, that was how.
"Yeah, and rounding up the calves in the paddock by carrying them in when they wouldn't come, that was unexpected . . ." He chuckled. "He told me he said please to them several times but that their mothers must not have taught them about that . . ."
Clark shakes his head and laughs. Outside again, he strolls away from the precinct and stares up at the stars. "What does Superman do in his spare time? That could be a decent feature story. What would they call it? A Kryptonian in Paris? Superslack, a Hero's Day Off? No, I got it . . . Supergeek: Superman Chats Online in his Off Time."
"Chocolate. Yes, sir." So much came down to chocolate with Lois; maybe if he coated himself in it . . . nah.
Clark thought: I'm surrounded by raving loonies.
"What?"
"I need sunlight."
"This is no time to worry about getting a tan--"
SCENE: the Kent living room in Smallville (you wanted more Smallville stuff!) Lois and Clark are working a puzzle (kinda lame, but it was all I could think of) at the table, Martha is working on a piece of art, Jonathan is reading the paper. A fax comes over the machine (in the corner)
Martha: Jonathan, honey, that's probably your corn quotes from the stock market.
(J gets up and reads the fax)
Jonathan: Martha, these prices are very low, don't you think? (Hands her the fax)
Martha: Yes, they seem to be. Let's get on the internet (!) and see if anyone else
has gotten the same quote and find out what's going on. (M works on the computer) Well, the
quote is right. Let's see what they're saying about it on the listserv. (!!! :))
(Lois looks up from the puzzle)
Lois: Listserv?
Martha: Yes! It's a discussion group on the internet -- we belong to one that discusses
row crop farming, corn in particular. It's a valuable tool for us because we can communicate
with folks everywhere and ask questions, find out what works for them, and so on. Here it
is . . . (scans through several messages) Yes, this is it. Walter in Nebraska asked if
anyone had noticed the fall in corn prices today. He says it's because Michael Jordan skipped
practice and the stock market thought he might be retiring again. :) He says to wait a day
or so and things should be back to normal.
Lois: That's amazing! Are you on any others?
Martha: Actually, I belong to two art lists, and we're also on the Superman list.
(Lois and Clark together) Superman list? (VBG :))
Lois: Where is it . . . I want to see!
Martha: OK, just a minute, let me find it . . . Here . . . (M looks up at Clark)
Zoomway, from Metropolis, says she saw Superman today eating a hot dog in front of a toy
store. Unfortunately, she couldn't tell what condiments he uses because she was on the bus
and it pulled away too fast. Ummm . . . The Gorn writes back that no, it was not Superman,
just a promo guy selling Superman dolls inside the store. $14.95 each with moveable arms, but
they are selling fast! (M looks at Lois) Lois, this one's for you. It's from Leigh -- she's
wondering what the deal is between Lois Lane and Superman. Why does she always get the
stories about him? Someone named Duane thinks it's because they have something going on. . .
(Lois gets her face in the computer)
Lois: I'm on the internet? Oh my God, what are they saying? Clark! Clark -- read this!
Some chick called Odette doesn't like my clothes! And someone named Tara hopes Superman
will pay her a visit so she can run her fingers over his S and . . . can they SAY that?!!!!
"Let me tell you something. You could have poured gravy over cardboard, and I'd never have
known the difference.
Lois smiled faintly, "It almost came to that, but I couldn't make gravy either."
This was written by Zoomway (Zoomway@aol.com)
Superman staggered from a steaming hot vat of liquid chocolate. Lois gazed in horror as the gooey confection dripped from his hair, cape, and fingertips. "Lois," he said, his voice weak. "There's something in the chocolate draining my powers. You'll have to lick it off before it hardens."
Lois' eyes widened with horror as her hero collapsed to the floor. She laid herself upon his sticky body and began licking his neck. "Yes," his voice barely a whisper. "It's working!" Encouraged, Lois moved upward and licked his chin and jaw. As her tongue moved across his lips, she felt his body shudder beneath her. She continued on. Cleaning the chocolate from his cheeks, the bridge of his nose, and forehead. She dipped her tongue into his ear, and Superman moaned. He moaned again as she cleaned his other ear. As she reached for one of his chocolate covered hands, he stopped her. "I don't think you got it all out of my ears yet."
Lois, after cleaning Superman's ears for a fourth time, was finally sucking the chocolate off the last finger that was coated. After she slowly withdrew the finger from her mouth, she made a startling realizationg. "You know what, Superman?"
"What?" he asked. A glazed film of satisfaction coated his eyes.
"You taste just like Clark Kent."
The more they gave each other, the more they wanted from each other. They both became
consumed, that neither of them noticed that CLark was rapidly losing altitude. Had it not
been for the sound of a rusty gate moving in the wind, Clark might not have recovered
enough for a soft landing. Even at that, the landing was awkward, and the off-balance couple
tumbled to the ground. "Are you all right, Lois?"
Lois blew a strand of hair from her forehead. "Nice landing, Lindberg."
Clark laughed. "I'm sorry, Lois, but I do have to reserve a little bit of
concentration for flying. The kissing got so intense, I didn't have any reserve left."
Lois smiled. "Sort of the Kryptonian equivalent of getting weak in the knees?:
"You could say that," he said, and surveyed their surroundings.
Henderson leaned toward Maggie. "Lane is sharp."
Maggie nodded. "Not to mention a knock out."
"I hate to disappoint you, Sawyer, but Lane is rumored to be a hot item with Superman."
"Oh well," Maggie smiled. "You know what they say. The good ones are either married
or straight."
"I'm not a little sixteen year old who needs to hide from some foster parents who want me dead. This is serious."
-- Hi, honey. How are you?
-- Great, Mom.
-- And how's things between you and Lois?
-- Well, she hasn't answered my question yet, but otherwise, wonderful.
-- So you told her?
-- Not yet.
-- Why not, son?
-- Because she's worked it out anyway, and she's having so much fun trying to find
proof, I didn't want to spoil things for her.
-- Son, that's a dangerous game you're playing.
-- Well, Dad, if you hear me say "Mom, Dad, Lois hates me," you'll know I'm back to
square one.
-- Ah, Lois, I just have to step out and . . .
-- Buy me some donuts? How thoughtful of you, Clark.
-- Ah, right. Yes, that's it.
-- Ah, Lois, I just have to step out and . . .
-- Buy me a new fishtank? How thoughtful of you, Clark.
-- Fishtank? Yes, that's it.
-- Ah, Lois, I just have to step out and . . .
-- Buy me a return airfare to Paris? How thoughtful of you, Clark.
-- Be reasonable, Lois.
[Superman lands on Clark's balcony]
-- Clark, I was just going through your wardrobe and I noticed there was a weird stain
on one of your capes.
-- Damn! I knew I should've soaked it. . . . oops.
[Lois grins triumphantly]
-- Lois, where have you hidden my glasses this time?
-- You have x-ray vision, you find them.
-- Five bucks says they're behind your back, so unless you want me to use my x-ray
vision on you..
Clark sat behind her and put his arms around her waist. "I'm sorry, honey, uh . . . Lois."
She smiled slightly. "You call me honey?"
"Yes," he shrugged. "And baby."
"I like that. What do I call you?"
Clark smiled behind her. "Stud muffin."
Lois literally laughed so hard that she rolled off of the crate. "Oh, God, Clark, I
hope you're kidding."
Clark laughed as he helped her back up, "I'm kidding. You usually call me sweetheart."
Lois considered a moment. "Really? I never thought I'd be the sweetheart type."
He put his arms back around her. "It took months of indoctrination."
"We take turns making breakfast and dinner --"
"Oh, God."
"No, Lois, you've become a really good cook."
"Yeah, right."
"You have! You even took lessons!"
"I'd almost have to," she sighed. "What else?"
"We fly together a lot, which is great. We make love a lot, which is heaven. We go to--"
"Where did we first make love, Clark?"
Clark, noticing no available towels, removed his cape, and wrapped it around Lois' body and stared at her a moment. "You know, Lois, that would make a great picture."
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts One page was born on June 29, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003