These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
The old man smiled. "There is only one hotel in Espaqa, Seqora Kent."
"I guess that cuts down on the . . . Sequora Kent?"
"That's right, honey." Clark said quickly and placed his arm around Lois' shoulders.
"Seqora means Mrs. in Spanish." He kissed her cheek and whipered, "Perry has us traveling
as a married couple."
"Thanks for the Spanish lesson . . . sweetheart," she said and walked to the motorcycle.
She studied the machine for a moment and then raised her skirt high enough so that she could
easily straddle the seat. The three men craned their necks for a better look.
Clark, as the husband, felt obligated to look reprovingly at the other two gentlemen, but
in his heart, he felt exactly the same motivation. He grabbed his small gym bag and mounted
the motorcycle.
"Hey!" Lois protested. "How come you get to drive?"
Clark removed his wallet from his jacket and showed Lois his motorcycle operator's license.
Lois pushed the evidence away. "A technicality."
"For now, anyway, they said they'd be keeping an eye on us, but their current theory about
us is," Clark cleared his throat. "That we're just co-workers having a hot time together."
Lois rolled her eyes and dropped her head back on the pillow. "Naturally."
"Maybe," Lois smiled. "Didn't you overhear one of those guys saying that they thought we
were here for a hot time?"
"Well . . . yes."
"Perfect." Lois put her arms around Clark's neck. "Just suppose, Clark, that you had the
job of spying on a couple," she said, and kissed him. "What would you think if every time you
saw this couple, they started making out?" She kissed him again. "Lastly, what conclusion
would you draw if every time they started making out hot and heavy, they made a beeline back
to their hotel room?"
Clark smiled, "I'd assume they had an urgent need for privacy." He pulled Lois close and
experienced the best afternoon he could recall outside of the afternoon he learned to fly.
"I love you, Lois," said the man in the all too familiar red and blue costume.
Lois, like a computer being fed too much data, experienced a sensory overload. She fainted.
Clark grabbed her before she fell, and held her in his arms. "That went better than I expected,"
he smiled, and drifted up through the broken skylight with Lois.
The bedroom door opened wide, and Clark's father, Jonathan, leaped in brandishing a golf club. He appraised the situation immediately, and lowered the club. "Sorry, son. Your mother and I heard noises up here." Jonathan cleared his throat. "Nice to see you again, Lois."
"Your mom's pretty amazing."
Clark put his arms around Lois. Hey, she raised a son from another planet. You don't
find moms like that in gumball machines."
"Yes, Lois, I'm secretly Bicycle Repairman, but the world must never know!"
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"And Maxine's tank looks great, you did a lot better than the guys who set it up. I want to know why you put in that frilly green plant, and where you got that ceramic frog wearing a chef's hat and holding that frying pan like it wants to eat my fish, and what the heck brine shrimp is and is it as icky as it sounds. We'll have to talk about it later. But if you ever quit being a reporter, there's a job for you: fish tank interior decorating."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
" . . . help because you've fun out of leads . . . "
"Me, Ms. Bigtop Peewee?"
"You, Mr. Boring Borneo Gazette and I know all about that now, you can't pull anything
over on me."
"I guess not." So his mother had let her read his expurgated scrap books, which were,
after all, right there in the bookcase in his old room. But her seeing them was okay,
particularly if she'd enjoyed what she'd read. And hadn't fallen asleep.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"They're more interested in the Power Rangers at the moment."
"Oh. I thought those actors had hit puberty and retired . . . "
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Those commercials he's in encouraging kids to read are good -- you know the one where he's
flying along and sees that big boat floating away and he looks puzzled and he goes to the
library to read a book on knot tying so he can tie the ship up to the harbor properly?"
"I've seen it." It had been his idea to hold up the library card for the camera and say
"Don't leave home without it," though there had been some argument about that being a
copyrighted phrase and should he use it or could they get away with it due to the nonprofit
subject matter. He argued it was funnier than what they had scripted, and, anyway, as always,
he had final script approval and he'd refused to say 'I can read at superspeed but you don't
need to' because it sounded negative. Now he just hoped there were plenty of books about
ropes and knots in Metropolis libraries.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Any time, CK, I'm your friend."
"Good." Whatever.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"He begged her not to go to Raul, you should have seen the look in his eyes!"
What look? Clark thought. He immediately wondered about acquiring plastic glasses with
an attached bulbous nose and bushy eyebrows, but he doubted a disguise would help at all.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"What about that woman you work with? It's always her name then your name under those
articles you write . . ."
"She likes being on top."
"Get outta here!"
"That's what she told me!"
"You don't know?"
He gave her a narrow look then put a hand to his ear, cupping it. "I seem to hear a
bingo card calling your name . . ."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Vanessa picked up her new favorite book, which was large, light weight and colorful, and proceeded to read to him from it. Her limited vocabulary didn't match the words in the book even after he turned it right side up, but she was creative and appreciated curling up warmly under his arm and how he paid close attention. Until 7:15, when he apologized and had to ease away.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Vanessa kept "reading" aloud about the princess, the frog, the golden shoes, and at least three of her daycare buddies.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
As expected, Vanessa wore herself out by 7:30 and Clark put her to bed. She wasn't
completely out of it, though: as soon as he tucked her in, she wanted another story. He pulled
up a chair, turned the bed light down low, and said, "Okay, how about the one about the strong
handsome prince and the ditzy newspaper reporter?"
"No! The bears!"
"No, not the bears again. The brave handsome prince and the scary slime monster?"
She sat up and looked him close, practically nose to nose, right in the eye, her breath
smelling of toothpaste. "No! That's scary! Bears!"
"But I learned one about the handsome prince and the wise gorilla today . . ."
She flopped back down and pulled the covers over her head quickly and shouted, muffled,
"Bears!"
"I don't remember about the bears. You'll have to tell me."
Uncovered, with a big smile: "Okay." That was the way the game was played. He'd only
ever gotten to make up two prince stories and she'd fallen asleep during both of them.
Critics were hard sometimes; he was better at nonfiction, he decided.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well," Clark said, for what felt like the millionth time, "he's taller than me."
"Oh, he's at least 6-5."
"And his eyes are sky blue . . ." Walthall smiled, then added quickly, "Not that yours
aren't nice, but . . ."
"And his shoulders are broader," Takara said, indicating a physique and width and breadth
of Texas.
"And that tan!"
Reference to a tan was a new one, but considering the time of year it made some sense.
Also considering it was hard to keep a straight face, maybe it was time to ease the subject
to safer grounds. "Ah, yeah, and while he's quotable he can't write, whereas I need to know--"
"That woman reporter writes about him all the time, doesn't she?" Walthall said.
"Yes, she's an expert, knows all about him," or as much as he'd let her, up to the time
when it was just right for her to know everything.
"Lois," Takara smiled, "Lois Lane, I've seen pictures of her and I read everything she
writes. What a beautiful woman . . .!"
"That's true."
"Do you think there's any chance I could get her autograph?"
"Well, maybe, but--"
"I'd frame it. Could I get a picture of her, too, do you think?"
"I don't know, maybe--"
"Do you think she'd come here?"
"Then we'd really get no work done," Walthall said dryly.
"How could I forget," he smiled. "You were very brave, but I must admit that I found you--
distracting."
"Dis . . . distracting?"
He nodded. "Your skirt was so short that the only place I could put my left hand, was on
your thigh."
Lois felt a surge of heat rush from her chest to her face. "Well, the next time I get
tossed out a window, I'll wear something sensible."
"This is it, kids," he paused for effect. "The single most important story just fell out of
the sky, and onto the desk of yours truly."
"Does this mean we'll find Elvis sitting on your desk?" Lois remarked dryly.
"Besides, if you are right, what's a few hours in a parked car between friends?"
Silence.
Jimmy choked on his laughter. Clark stared at Lois.
Lois realized her double-entendre too late. "I mean well, you guys know what I mean!"
She flushed. "So -- are you going or not?"
"Lois, what . . . " Clark turned to look at her and found his nose pressed into her hip. His eyebrows rose a notch.
Martha's eyes popped wide open. She covered the phone with her hand, elbowed Jonathan's ribs and whispered, "Jonathan! It's about Lois! Something happened with Lois!" She couldn't keep the excitement out of her voice. She adored Lois Lane.
"I mean, I may have an answer, but it's not always the right one, no matter how much I insist it is," she clarified. "I did some heavy thinking last night and," she turned around and threw her hands in the air, exasperated. "Well, I just don't know what you see in me!"
Miller looked at her, puzzled. "You reached into the bag when you mentioned the letters.
I thought you and that guy were some more thugs they sent after me," he said.
Lois sputtered. "A thug?! I look like a thug?!"
Superman hid a smile. "Lois, calm down."
"Did you hear that?! Do I look like a thug to you? No, I do not!" she said wildly.
"We'll be waiting for you, okay? Be careful 'flying' in."
"Right. Avoid any electrical storms over Cleveland. Got it."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"I don't need his help! Even if I were callous enough to wake him out of sound sleep -
even if I had his phone number like you seem to . . . "
"Well, it's a guy thing."
"Yeah, right. What am I going to do!?" she demanded of the heavens, which didn't have the
sense to cringe.
"You could crash at my place, nothing much happened over that part of town . . . "
She sighed. She told herself she had expended too much energy on being angry earlier. The
best rejoinder she could come up with was "Oh, I don't know, Clark . . . "
"Well, then you can sleep in the park."
"Huh?"
He was fumbling with his seat belt.
"Wait a minute! What are you doing?"
"Leaving so you can find a comfortable tree to stretch out under. You don't need my help
for that."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Some day I'm going to get in one of your beds and find you in there first."
"That would be interesting." He pulled a cylindrical piece of kitchenware out from a
cabinet under the silverware drawer. "You could giggle all you wanted then."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Ms. Lane, you may pass. But you, who are you?"
"Me? I'm --"
"He's my boy friend. Practically my fiancee."
"Hmmm . . . "
Clark smiled and said to the guard, "The wedding's in May if I can convince her."
She clung to him, and looked up with dreamy eyes. "Just pop the question, dear . . ."
"Clark!" exclaimed Martha. "Are you saying... Are you..."
"Come on, Martha," said Jonathan. "Spit it out."
"Do you see Clark out there, Michael? Do you? He looks pretty hot, doesn't he? I'm not talking
temperature, here, Michael, if you get my drift. I'll have to find out if he always plays on the
skins side. I may have to give up my martial arts class altogether."
As Lois babbled she realized Clark kept looking over to her. What did he want? He had this
stunned look on his face. "What's his problem, Michael? What do you think? He keeps looking
at us, doesn't he? Have you ever seen anyone so sexy, Michael? Now I ask you. Oh, how
would you know, anyway. You're probably into roly-poly bodies instead of hard bodies, aren't
you. Not me, Michael. Not me. I like that hard body."
As Clark looked over with this weird expression on his face, Lois finally remembered the super
hearing. "Oh, my gawd," she dragged out. "I forgot the super hearing thing." Suddenly the
game came to a halt as Clark started to crack up and missed another easy pass. As everyone
jumped Clark's case again, he heard Lois whisper, "I'm buying you lead-lined ear plugs as soon
as we leave here, tonight, buddy!"
The next twenty minutes were rough for Clark. He really had to concentrate because Lois was
quietly babbling way off topic now. He knew she was doing it on purpose, but that didn't make
it any easier to ignore. She could be such a vixen, if she wanted to. And obviously tonight she
wanted to be. Her whispered conversation with Michael went something like this.
"Michael, do you know what I'm going to do with Clark after the game tonight? Do you,
Michael? Have you had your talk yet with daddy about the birds and the bees, Michael? It's
never too early, you know. Well, first I'm going to rub my hands all over that sweaty chest of
his. And then, I'm going to press myself against him. That's right, as close as I can get. That
should drive him crazy, Michael, don't you think? Then I'm going to kiss him. I'm going to start
at his ear and I'm not going to stop until I reach his toes, Michael. I bet your mommy does that
to you, doesn't she, Michael? Well, this will be a little different. Do you think Clark will want
a shower before dinner, Michael. I would after an hour or so of basketball. Gee, I want one
from just watching an hour of basketball. Oh, but two showers would take so long, Michael. I
might starve by then. Unless of course, we showered together. That would make it fast, wouldn't
it?"
Lois continued to whisper to Michael about every crazy thought that came into her head.
Sometimes she would address a line to Clark. "What's the matter, Clark? You seem to be
missing a lot of shots lately. Are you having trouble concentrating? Clark is that a cup you are
wearing, or are you just glad to see me?" You know, at this distance she couldn't be sure, but
she thought Clark might be blushing. Oh, this was fun -- just too much fun. I'll teach him about
using that super hearing, she thought.
From Melissa L. Dore's 'The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of'
Clark had looked around the room. Lois and the others sat in silence. Superman didn't know how to do laundry. It seemed.... strange. He could save a planet, but not Clark's shirts.
He flew her away from the sanitarium, towards Centennial Park, and the fountain where they'd gotten engaged. He wasn't above subtle hints.
Clark had watched the exchange with interest. I could never do that intimidation thing. I wonder if he practices in front of a mirror.
Lois was enumerating the reasons they couldn't go away for the weekend, but the sidelong glance
she gave him would have told him she was teasing, even if her exaggerated list hadn't made it
clear. ". . . and paying bills and washing the windows and getting out my spring clothes and
then dry cleaning and packing up the winter ones. And we probably ought to air out the mattress
and pillows--no sense wasting such nice weather--"
"I agree." He reached across the remains of the pu pu platter to take her left hand and
press his mouth to each knuckle. "And while they're airing, we can go on a picnic."
"A picnic? You mean where you sit on a blanket in a patch of poison ivy and eat cold
fried chicken and warm potato salad and fend off ants and someone's muddy dog and huddle
under a tree to get out of the rain?"
Clark grinned. "Personal experience, Lois?"
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts Two page was born on June 29, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003