These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
When he stepped inside the room, he was greeted with a woman's laughter. "Clark, you're
cheating!"
"I don't cheat. I'm just a better poker player than you are."
"Oh, yeah? Then why are your glasses halfway down your nose?"
"Not to look at your cards."
Whitman ducked into the bathroom to escape that soft feminine giggle. This was the third time he had checked out her room, and he was beginning to feel frustrated. Kent's wife was never alone, not for long enough to kill her and set up a believable suicide, and if she kept laughing and acting cheerful, no one would believe a suicide, even if he managed to set one up.
"After Tracy finished torturing me, Meagan decided that I should work on cooking meals and
washing dishes from a wheelchair. I asked her why I should do it now, when I never did
before."
Clark slowed down and handed his wife a glass of wine. The kitchen and dining area
were spotless. Sitting next to her, he stretched his arm behind her on the back of the couch and
dropped a kiss on her dark head. "What'd she say to that?"
"That it was about time I learned."
He laughed and reached for his wine glass. "She didn't take 'no talent' as an excuse?"
"She wouldn't even let me off when I said I had a really terrific husband--" she pressed
a kiss against his rock-hard shoulder-- "who handled the cooking and cleaning."
"I don't know, I was thinking of . . . pumping iron with the Man of Steel."
"Boy, they sure know how to prey on the first-time parents, don't they?" Lois said,
motioning to a stack of diaper coupons, formula pamphlets and child safety seat ads.
"Everywhere you look is something that says 'Buy Me! You NEED Me! What-Kind-Of-
Parent-Would-You-Be-If-You-Didn't-Get-Me!'"
Clark smiled, and gave her hand a small squeeze. "Relax, Lois."
"I'm relaxed. I am."
Mary sat back and sighed, "It's a relief actually..."
"How so?" Lois asked.
"Well, I mean, you and Clark have been married for what, three years?" Mary looked at
Sheri.
"Yes, three years; that's a long time," Sheri smiled back at Mary then looked at Lois.
"We were beginning to think that we needed to buy you two a book or something."
Mary and Sheri burst out laughing at the look of horror on Lois's face.
"We don't need a book!!"
"Obviously."
"We just happen to be doing lots of practicing..."
"Four months!?!?!" Lois shouted from the bedroom. Clark made a quick check of supper,
and went in to see what she was upset about.
"Four months till what, dear?" Clark sat down on the bed next to her.
"We can't try again for four months! That's so long..." she looked at him in frustration.
Clark's eyebrows shot up. "We can't... make love... for FOUR months?"
Lois started laughing. "No, silly. We can't try having children again for four months.
We only have to wait two weeks on the making love part of it..."
"Oh. Whew," he said half jokingly and half seriously. "Had me worried there for a
second."
Oliver had seen Superman before, about a year ago. He had seen him lift a semi-tractor trailer out of the river, after it had skidded into it to avoid plowing into a school bus. It had amazed him that someone so powerful could, at the same time, be so tender and caring. The semi not only contained the driver, but the driver's dog as well. The driver had been thrown free during the accident, but the dog was trapped in the cab of the vehicle. The animal would have surely died, had not the Man of Steel lifted the vehicle out of the river, ripped the door open and given the dog mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Lois came pushing and shoving her way up to them through a crowd of people. "Out of
the way, pregnant lady coming through!"
Clark had to laugh - just like Lois to use her condition to her advantage. "Ms. Lane-Kent,
how are you?" he asked.
"Clark, sometimes I think we're WAY too comfortable with each other."
"And this is funny to you?"
Instead, she tried tugging her feet away again while glaring at him. They were her feet, after all.
"Great shades of Elvis, I guess we can't have everything Jimmy. It's either peace and quiet or Lois and Clark."
"We're at the campsite!" he smiled at her. "You were asleep for a long time! You must have
been having a good dream, too. I don't think I've seen you smile that much while you've been
awake!"
Lois elbowed him playfully. "And what were you doing watching me anyway, Clark Kent?"
He shrugged his shoulders innocently.
A gasp came from Jimmy, but he covered it up with a yawn.
"Oh, come on, Clark! It's no big deal! I do favors for you all the time!" Lois was back
to her usual self. She was the offensive now.
"Name one!" Clark loved to tease her, as long as he knew that he wasn't going too far.
After a brief and momentary pause from Lois' end of the phone, she finally answered.
"Never mind the COUNTLESS things I do for you."
Clark took off his blue plaid flannel shirt that he was wearing over his gray T-shirt.
"Here. Just don't get any -- stuff on it." He held out the shirt for Lois to take, but she
just stood there, tapping her foot impatiently. "What?" he asked. "You can do your laundry
naked, for all I care, but I just have to say, I'm not leaving."
"WHAT?!" Lois screeched.
"There's a game on," he explained and sat down on her couch, "and I don't have cable."
He turned the television on with the remote and looked up at her. "Besides, I fixed your
machine, and you're not even going to thank me?" He grinned and held his shirt out for her
again, dangling it in front of her.
The whisper turned into a nibble, and the nibble threatened to turn into kisses which would
definitely put them in a compromising position. And his kisses always made Lois weak in the
knees. Of course in this instance, she just felt weak all over.
"Clark, don't start something you can't finish --" her voice trailed off as his kisses
promised more.
"Wow! Hey, mom -- look!" A squealing young voice startled them, causing Clark to hit the ground with a thump and Lois to giggle.
Once his guard was down, and he could really be himself, she found another side to Clark Kent that sometimes bewildered her. Nothing mild-mannered and shy about his man! "Uh, now you're not thinking of doing something crazy like flying us to the Arctic again, are you? You scared the heck out of that poor polar bear the last time!"
Releasing him, Lois stepped back and began to shudder, as if someone had dropped an ice
cube down her back. "Whoa!" she gasped, her eyelids popping open. The cloudiness in her
eyes disappeared, replaced with the usual sharp glint. Clark stood motionless, stunned
by Lois' uncharacteristic behavior and the intensity of the kiss.
Finding his voice, Clark stammered, "What was that for?"
"Well," she replied, fixing him with a stare that weakened his knees. "I needed a
morning pick-me-up to start the day, and you do the trick better than a double espresso."
With a sly grin, she excused herself to go to the ladies room, leaving a red-faced Clark to
endure the giggles and chuckles echoing in the newsroom.
"I was just looking for the right horse."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, you don't want a horse that doesn't move -- like the one next to you. And you want
a horse that looks good, preferably something like this one. And since you're with me, I
wanted a horse next to mine to look appropriately festive too," she finished, rubbing her hands
across the wooden horse's glossy paint.
"Ah, I didn't know there was a science to picking carousel horses," Clark responded with
a twinkly in his eye. He was really enjoying this discussion.
"Hey, Lois, I thought you didn't mind anymore," Clark called to her. But as he realized what he was asking, who he was asking, and as Lois turned around to answer him, both said, "When pigs fly." He shook his head, and started to get up . . .
The file opened, and NOVEL appeared on his screen. The word 'untitled' in parenthesis beneath it. "Oops," Clark grimaced. He had left off the additional L in NoVell, and had inadvertently tapped into Lois' fabled, and perpetually unfinished, romance novel. Though he knew he should just remove the disk, and go retrieve the proper file, he decided to read . . . for a while. He felt the need for a diversion, rather than a project requiring concentration. He began to read, and before long, he was having trouble not laughing aloud. "Oh, Lois," he whispered. "Don't quit your day job."
"Randolf!" Jessica trembled. "You cannot be alone with me here in my boudoir! Get back to the stable!" "But my heart needs a stable too, Jessica," the burly hired man intoned. Jessica's eyes flew to the sinewy muscles of his arms. The light striking the grimy perspiration made them glisten like freshly baked crullers.
That was it. Clark laughed so loud that several staff members glanced in his direction. "Sorry," he shrugged, and cleared his throat. He could not completely wipe the grin from his face. The image of poor Jessica's flying eyes being stuck to the glazed donut arms of Randolf, the hired man was more than Clark could take. He cleared his throat again and continued reading. He had almost reached the cliched bodice ripping scene when the novel abruptly stopped. He scrolled down a bit further, and found the title VISITOR.
It did not take much reading for Clark to realize who the 'visitor' was.
Luisa clung tightly to the visitor's neck. She was like a child in his arms. And like a child, the visitor had reinstated her belief in magic and wonder. These elements, during her young life had been slowly chipped away, but the visitor brought them back. He made up for a lot of things. He made up for a father who ahd wanted a son. He made up for men who had been disloyal. He even made up for her boss partnering her with a rookie from Tanktown, Kansas.
"Rookie! Tanktown!"
The newsroom glanced at the angry Mr. Kent, but Clark did not notice them this time. He continued to read.
As the music neared the end, the visitor dipped her deeply, and while having her in this
position, began to kiss her neck.
"Oh, brother," Clark whispered. "That definitely didn't happen!" As the scene became
more erotic, and the prose more purple, Clark shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Oh, come on,
Lois," he sighed. "I don't think I'd be able to breath, much less levitate if we did that!"
Just as Clark was about to shut the story down, finding himself jealous and envious of his
fictional counterpart, the story shifted.
"No," she said, breaking away from his arms, and walking to the sofa. "I'm confused by 'my' feelings." She sat down. "I've been thinking a lot about Mark lately."
Clark straightened in his chair. "Mark! That's me," he whispered, and began to read with renewed interest. Clark kept reading, not noticing how time was slipping away until Perry appeared at his desk talking about work, deadlines, the usual. Clark reluctantly pulled away from the fantasy. He hadn't even noticed that Lois had returned from her interview. He watched her fix a cup of coffee, and approached her. He'd never felt so nervous or determined in his life.
Luisa put her arms around the neck of her handsome date and looked deeply into his eyes. "Mark, what are you waiting for?"
"I guess heat vision has lots of advantages," Lois said as she took another bite.
"Well," said Clark with a devilish grin, "so does x-ray vision."
Lois looked up from her plate and thought for a moment. "You know, for being a farmboy
from Smallville, you sure can be bad sometimes."
"Yep . . . I can." Clark sat down at the table across from Lois. "Even Superman has not-
so-innocent thoughts from time to time."
"Clark?!" Martha Kent sat up in bed, immediately switching on the light. A groan sounded
from the other side of the bed in protest. She swatted at the mountain of man under the covers.
"Jonathan! Get up, it's Clark!"
"Doesn't the boy know it's almost midnight here?" he grumbled.
He opened the door, brushing his teeth. "Hap sum brekfst," Clark said, foam dripping down
his chin.
"Excuse me? Wipe your mouth, you're gross!" She giggled and wiped his mouth for him.
"Spit, or I won't kiss you hello."
"Ummmm," Lois broke the kiss. "I have to go to the bathroom."
Clark looked at her strangely. "Ever since you got that membership to that health club, that
Bally's you've had to go to the bathroom a lot!"
"They have to sound good with the last name, 'Kent'. Maybe they should rhyme or have some
sort of theme. Yeah! Like, Daisy, Rose, and Violet!" Lois giggled. "How cute! My little
flowers. Clark would die!" She laughed again and looked over at him. Sensing her gaze, he
looked at her sternly.
"No way, Lois."
"Clark, do you ever turn off your superhearing?"
"It's not like a hearing aid, Lois. I can't just turn it off."
She rolled her eyes at him. "Well, you're not helping much with the names."
"Lois! I'm working on a story!"
Lois sighed loudly. "You're no fun today." When he turned back to his work, she spoke
softly, knowing he could hear her.
"Holly, Molly, and Dolly." Clark gave her a warning look.
"I'm kidding!" She laughed at how annoyed he was getting.
"Merry, Cherry, and Berry. Now _those_ are some bright names!"
"Lois, would you stop?"
"Oh! Okay, Clark." Her voice took on a sarcastic tone. "When we're walking through a
store and someone comes up and says, 'Oh! What adorable babies! What are their names?' you
are going to be the one to tell them they don't have names!"
"I saved three people and a cat from a fire. Stopped a car from driving into a store when
the brakes shot. Stopped three thugs from mugging an old woman. And caught a purse theif. No
biggie." he said, releasing her from his hold.
"Wow, sounds like you had a very relaxing day off."
"Hey guys, how's it going?" Jimmy asked.
"Super!" Clark remarked, not missing a beat.
Lois swallowed a giggle. She had the sudden urge to whack Clark in the head, but lovingly.
"Uh, never better!" she choked out.
"Really?" Jimmy said, wondering briefly just _what_ had been put in the coffee this morning.
"Well, I'm glad to hear it, 'cos Perry could very well be on the warpath. You're late!"
Jimmy noticed Lois had turned around in her chair to look at Clark. He gave them a strange
look. "Guys?"
Lois swivled back. Propping her head up with her left hand, she laughingly replied, "Mmmm?"
"I just said that you're . . . " The sentence died from his lips. If he was seeing
correctly . . . "You're . . . engaged?!?!"
"Looks like we have our first winner!" Clark teased, reaching for Lois' hand. "And what
does James Bartholomew Olsen win?"
"James! You have the option of answering this question: Will you be our Best Man?" Both
Lois and Clark watched a momentarily stunned Jimmy.
"Clark, what do you think about living together?" she blurted out.
He gave her a teasing look. "Well, I'd say that when two people are married, it's generally
a good idea . . . "
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts Three page was born on June 29, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003