These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
"'lo?"
"Clark! Why aren't you awake yet?"
"Oh, I don't know, Lois. Maybe because it's 6 a.m., and I'm not due at work until 9 a.m? If you
would have just waited nine minutes . . . " Lois always had a knack for calling exactly nine
minutes before his alarm was set up to go off.
He could hardly explain to her that he usually only needed about three hours of sleep, but
those last nine minutes were always the most important.
Besides, he'd been having a really good dream.
"For heaven's sake, Clark, you have no sense of priorities. Today is the day."
"It's too early to play guessing games, Lois."
"The day I get the exclusive on Superman."
"He's not coming in until two! And besides, you already had an exclusive on Superman.
Several. In a row."
" . . . and you're turning down a byline? For nine minutes of sleep?"
"Yes. I am." He hung up the phone gingerly, carefully, and buried his head under the pillow.
It was too late. He was awake.
Clark decides to try once more to stop this. They have almost reached her apartment. He
gets a hold of Lois' wrists and moves quickly to pin her to the seat, kneeling over her with
one leg on the seat and the other on the car floor.
He finds a surge of hormones.
He figures if they are almost there anyway . . . Clark kisses her heavily on the lips and
lets his body lie flat on hers.
[Zoomway] Ooh, he found his hormones, it's about darn time!
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Monday morning she had hardly seen him except for his rushing in and out of the office several times to confer with Perry and check his pile of messages. She had been tempted more than once to stick out her foot and trip him, and finally got his attention around 1:30 by throwing a paper clip at him.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
If you fall asleep right here, Clark, Lois thought, how am I going to hold you down? She considered grasping his hand, but not only would that startle him, it would look decidedly odd. She didn't care about the rumor mill (indeed, she'd started some rumors just to observe their evolution), but she wondered now how conscious Clark was . . .
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
As they headed south toward's Parker's Construction, though, he made it clear that his mind
had been working over time. "Lois, does Jimmy sound a little hoarse to you?"
"Ah? Yes, he does . . . "
"Hoarse?" Jimmy asked, his voice clear and strong. "Like . . . a farm horse?"
"No, like a coming-down-with-a cold-and-straining-your-throat hoarse."
Lois nodded. "He could use something to drink."
"And eat, too, to keep up his strength."
"Oh, yeah!" Jimmy brightened. He hawked and cleared his throat dramatically. "That
kind of hoarse! I've been feeling a little weak lately, ohhh . . . ."
Clark went through his pockets, gathered together some money, and handed it over to Jimmy,
who had collapsed back and was straining to look pale. Lois pulled into a convenience store
in the next block. She and Clark both assured the young man that he should take his time.
Jimmy rushed into the store.
Lois shook her head at him, then looked at Clark. "Clever."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"That's fine. Then we can both relax on Sunday and maybe have a picnic, hmm?"
"There's an idea. We'll see how things go Saturday."
He thinks I'll be in shock, probably thinks I'll run away, screaming into the night. I
certainly might have before. "I'm sure things will go just fine. What are you thinking of
making so I can bring wine."
"Hmmm, cookies and wine . . . " but he smiled.
"Dinner and wine. We can make cookes some other time."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"And I think I saw a phone booth right around the corner," she pointed, indicating the direction from which they had come.
He stopped at the corner, looked back at them and pointed into the alley. "There's no--"
"Well, just look for one!" Do I have to do the thinking for us both?
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Oh, Superman would have rescued me if I had . . . broken a fingernail, I just know it."
(His expression, she noted, said "Oh, yeah?") "Of course," she added, "we would have had to
share the cookies."
"No way, we'd tell him he . . . he needs to go on a diet," and Clark nodded as though that
would do the trick.
"Right -- about as much as you do."
She wondered how many other such ironic statements she had made over the last three years
or so. It was definitely more fun to slip them in on purpose and see him react -- with a
moment of raised eybrows in this case -- as though he thought that after all this time she'd
never figure it out.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well, since you were the lady dressed in the potato sack --"
"What?!"
"He said he thought brown wasn't your color -- I said," he touched his own chest, "I
think you looked nice. You look nice in everything." He said it with such sincerity. What's
more, she noticed that Suki nodded enthusiastically as well. Oh, brother. Clark added, as
though it would help, "If you wore potato sacks, soon everyone would be wearing them."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Yeah, too bad I had to go, ah . . . "
Rescue someone or stop something. "Pick up your dry-cleaning, wasn't it?"
"Probably. I don't remember. Did I ever apologize for leaving you and Jimmy there
surrounded by all that . . . "
"Naked flesh?" They had arrived in time for the swimsuit rehearsal. Jimmy had nearly
had a heart attack, but he'd recovered quickly and matured incredibly for the duration
of the shoot.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"But that's good. I . . . " oh, admit it, "I got a feeling, too, when I read what you wrote
this morning."
"You did? A little tingle?"
"Yes."
"Ah-ha. Wow . . . "
He hadn't had tingles before? Surely . . . Maybe not. Just because he could fly like a
bird didn't mean he could tingle like a seasoned reporter yet.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well, there, you see? And what do you do on your days off -- assuming you get to take them. Do you, oh, catch a flight down to the Amazon to count birds?" Sit on Mount Everest and encourage the climbers? Hold your breath and explore the Mariana Trench?
"Sometimes, but usually I'm in one of the border guard teams."
"Border guards? Here?"
"That's what someone called them. We don't really have borders and we don't really guard
them, we just mingle and make sure there's no trouble. In all the block parties we've had, we've
only ever had three homeless tumble in, and we wound up feeding them. We had a few gang members
show up once last fall, but Mrs. Whitney had just taken another mediator course and she found
out they were simply kids looking for adult supervision -- that's what she said. She put them
to work in trade for snacks and praise, and, oddly enough, it worked. We've had some lost kids
and one sprained ankle, that kind of thing."
"So, no job for the police or even Superman."
"No, neither of those. The only police we have are off duty ones who actually live here,
and one of them likes to man -- ah, woman a barbecue and the other one brings paint and tattoos
the children's faces."
She just looked at him.
"It's all true."
"You live in a weird neighborhood, Clark."
Lois slammed the phone back into its cradle and turned to see Clark approaching the elevator doors. Her voice slightly moderated its peevish tone, "Clark, don't play macho man. This type of elevator has interlocking doors that can't be pulled open. You'll just get a hernia if you try to be Superman."
"I'll say. Buy a lucky lottery ticket?"
"No, I only play games I can win," and little did he know what kind of game he
was involved in, ha-ha-ha!
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Ah, well . . . " it was just one of those things. "Was it busy around here? Did you miss
me?"
"Not very busy, but we always miss you -- I do, anyway."
"Oh, points for you, Mr. Kent."
"Points? But, no, I do miss you."
"More points."
"I'm not asking for points . . . "
"Then I'll stop handing them out."
"You don't have to, if it makes you happy . . . "
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Lois! What good fortune! Seeing you makes my whole day brighter than the sun!" Raul
glided out of the elevator toward her, intent, no doubt, on clutching her hand and kissing it
passionately. No, she reminded herself, he had hardly touched her except while escorting her
across the street, and through doors and the like, touching her back then, as though she needed
physical guidance and might faint at the prospect of challenging traffic.
Today she didn't feel like screaming "Get a life, clown!" No, she said, "Good morning,"
breezed right by him into the elevator, turned, produced a pleasant but totally uninviting
smile for him, and then raised her eyebrows at Clark. "We'll take my Mercedes out to Shawler's
Reservoir. We can probably rent some diving gear there, too, or along the way."
Clark stood there watching her lie like a pro -- and Raul swallow it whole like a hungry
dog -- as though trying to figure out how he should be reacting. Well, he darn well better
follow her whim on this if he knew what was good for him. The last thing she wanted was Raul
chasing after them, though if he did, he'd chase the wrong car.
"Ah, yeah, that's right," Clark nodded. "And we don't want to forget the. . . ." He
snapped his fingers. "The . . . "
"The radar tracking device."
"Yeah, that. We can get one . . . "
"On the way, in Midvale."
"And can we take fishing poles?"
"We're going to be working, Clark, we'll have no time to relax."
Raul pounced: "You will need help!" and he was so happy to be able to offer his assistance.
"No! This is a two-person operation, I already have my second person, and we don't have
room for more than that."
"I'm sure we can cover this just fine, Raul, thanks," Clark said equitably. Then, to Lois,
"But we shouldn't forget your . . . . ah . . . . " his hand motions said "help me with this."
You have no imagination, Clark! "My pilot's license, of course, in case we need a helicoter
-- but I already have it in my purse," and she patted it. "Let's go."
"We're going to fly? But I get air sick! We'll have to stop first and get some . . ."
"Ginger ale, isn't that it? Of maybe Pepto? We'll get you some." Come on, Clark!
"Actually ginger powder in pills would be better -- and I should call my parents, to tell
them where I keep my will and about the insurance and -- and the cat, someone will have to take
care of my cat --" He looked at Raul.
No way! "Then, let's," she reached out and grabbed Clark's sleeve and pulled hard, "get
going! The James Gang could be escaping with the treasure while you stand there vacillating
because you're afraid of heights!"
He allowed himself to be pulled, good for him. When he was standing next to her in the
elevator a moment later, he looked back out and said, "Buenos dias, Raul."
"Clark, I know you told me you have no claim on Lois Lane, but my heart yearns for her!
Be careful with the gentle flower that she is! She pretends to be as tough as a nail but I
have learned that --"
The elevator door closed.
Lois rolled her eyes and then noticed Clark was looking at her. He smiled a quick caught-me
smile and then looked away and down to see if his shoes were still tied.
"Air sick . . . " she muttered.
"Yeah, well . . . "
"And no claim . . . "
"That's not what I told him."
"So you think you have one?"
"I didn't tell him that either."
Oh? "Well, that doesn't matter." It did, but darned if she was going to pursue it right
here and now. "I'm taking care of this," she said as calmly as she could muster.
"I didn't tell him anything, but --"
"Good."
"But I could, I mean --"
"Don't."
"I mean, boyfriends are good for that."
"In some cases, yes, I suppose, but not this case. When I need your help, I'll say, 'sic'em,
Clark!' and you can do wahtever it is that boyfriends think they have to do."
"Such as?"
"You don't know?"
"Ah," caught, "no, actually, I never had to . . . Well, I was thinking talking to him,
reasoning with him, except that he has such flowery language, I don't know if I can compete . .
with laughing first."
"Laughing because he thinks I'm a gentle flower? -- Oh, it wouldn't work anyway, save your
breath."
"He hasn't hurt you . . . "
"He's hardly touched me."
"Or showered you with gifts . . . "
"Other than the wine that night, and he took the bottle when he left, he's given me one
solitary red rose."
Clark whistled appreciatively. "Well, I'm out, that beats a full hand of daisies."
"But I like your daisy."
"Oh. Okay. So, ah, it looks like your standard 'don't fall fo rme, farm boy' -- ah,
barrio boy, I guess, that line didn't work on him . . . "
She looked at him hard.
And he finished it smoothly: " . . . either."
"I knew you'd fallen for me, right then, I knew it!" and she rolled her eyes again, though
inside she felt vindicated.
"Sorry . . . No, I'm not sorry. It's life, there it is, I couldn't help it, I'm just a
weakling."
"A pushover."
"Yeah." But then he frowned and looked at her. "Where . . . "
"Your mother."
"She shouldn't say things like that."
"But that's what mothers are for, Clark."
"You and Mom did talk about me . . . "
"A little. It's a farm, Clark, and I don't know anything about farms and they don't know
any of my other friends, so what else did we have in common that we could talk about?"
"You make it sound like it was boring."
"I do?"
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"I know; we could drop him in Shawler's Reservoir."
"Clark . . ."
"From the helicopter."
"What am I saying, 'we'? You'll have to do it. I get queasy at certain altitudes, you
know, I start to get dizzy and black out . . . "
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Three hours later Lois was glad they had stopped at the parking garage for her comfortable
shoes because they had walked all the way to her Uncle Mike's restaurant without seeing hide
nor hair of anything resembling a good story. One minor traffic accident with repentant drivers,
one purse snatching by an idiot with a bum knee, and one possible pick-pocketing of an undercover
police officer. What was this stupid villain kick the city was on all of a sudden? Was there
no news to be had? "What do they expect us to start printing, anyway? The Weekly Planet?"
"As long as there's comics . . . "
"Shut up, Clark, or I'll tell the DA you recognized six Intergang members lounging around
your neighborhood and you're withholding evidence."
He looked stricken. "You wouldn't . . ."
"Try me."
"I can see it now, 'Reporters Kill Each Other for a Story . . .'"
"No, no, no, 'Story Eludes Star Reporters" -- no, "Serene Star Reporters; Ends Tragically
When They Retire and Become Shephards.'"
"'Ends Ambiguously.'"
"Don't argue with me --you don't realize how important it is to your well-being that I'm
happy."
"Oh, Ms. Shepherd?"
"Believe it, Fred."
"But, Ethel, you'd hat being a shepherd, sheep can be really dumb animals."
"Then we'll get some smart sheep dogs."
He'd shrugged, "Sure, that's an option. They cost a lot, but --"
"Stop worrying about money, I'll support you --"
"I like the sound of that. I can stay home and watch soap operas and paint my toenails."
"You can have the babies, too."
"No, that's too much stress."
"How about if I stress this: let's eat."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
He was interested in what she had found out about the fire from her interviews and had
already compiled for her a database on the history of the building of that line of the Metro,
but he came this close to yawning when she mentioned that the guy of steel hadn't said a word
to her. He probably didn't have time, she said, and he nodded in casual agreement. He's
probably out doing something heroic even as we speak, she said. Yep, probably, Clark said
with an incredibly straight face. He could even be . . . having an early lunch, hmm? Maybe .
. . I bet he's with a beautiful countess in Paris, she sighed dreamily, and he said, oh, I
doubt that . . .
Well, she thought, he's used to hearing this, especially from me; nobody should ever think
he couldn't act.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Taking a deep breath, she nodded at herself in the mirror, got out of the Jeep and went up
the steps. She knocked. She waited. She thought she heard music from within, but it could
have been her imagination.
She knocked again. The radio's on, she thought, that explained the music. He's heard some
horrible news bulletin, he's flown off to fix things, and he's earning the undying thanks of
thousands while he struggles mightily to open the door.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Does it need to be chilled or . . ."
Maybe he really didn't know much about wines. "No, it can just sit and mind its manners."
Clark looked absolutely stunned. There was more than just an edge of bitterness in his voice as he responded, "Superman isn't enough for you? What do you want, the Buffalo Bills?"
"They've all been at a club in town and it's only been on Ladies Night, at least so far.
This also might have something to do with whoever shot Jack. We were right behind the club
on one of the nights that someone disappeared." Clark continued. "I'm, um, going undercover."
he paused.
"Son, what is it?" his dad urged him to continue.
Clark sighed, "The entertainment on Ladies Night is, um . . . well, I'm uh, going under
cover as a stripper."
"Hot dog! I told you our son would light up that town! Those women are going to be
crawling all over you. You may even find you like stripping better than being a reporter, all
those women after you! And the money . . . " Martha winked at Jonathan who was trying not to
laugh.
His father laughed. "Never a dull moment with you is there, Clark? Well, good luck and
be careful, especially if this may involve whoever shot Jack. I think I'd rather face a guy
with a gun than women at a strip joint, if what I've heard about them is even half true."
Clark rolled his eyes and sighed as he shut the door. "Let's do this again before Lois gets
here." Clark said. Larry started the music at the beginning as he took his place on the
"stage" they had marked out. He walked to the top of the T and faced what would be the audience.
When the tempo changed seconds later, Clark began to dance.
The routine started off with some fairly sedate country line stepss acros the top of the
stage. "Good, good." Larry said, "they'll start screaming, wanting more right about now. OK,
give it to them."
The tempo changed again and Clark was at the top of the T. He started down the ramp, moving
his hips from side to side which was accentuated by the fringe on the chaps. "Go, CK!" Jimmy
encouraged.
Occasionally he'd stop and turn, then wiggle some more before turning back around and
continuing.
As he was going down the ramp, Jimmy yelled, "If you shake it any harder you're going to
throw a hip out!" Jimmy began clapping with the beat of the music.
Clark rolled his eyes as he continued down the ramp. When he reached the middle of the
ramp, the music and Clark both stopped. As it started again, Clark slipped the vest off and
swung it over his head and then into what would be the crowd. The doorbell rang again. Jimmy
went to the door as Clark continued the routine.
Clark hesitated for a second as they sat, before continuing to untie one leg of the chaps,
then the other. With them still tied behind his waist, he turned to one side swirling the
chaps around. Then he untied them and, twirling them above his head, threw them at Lois. She
laughed as she caught them, then began clapping with Jimmy. Clark moved up and down the room
to the music, his hips swinging wildly from side to side.
Over his initial embarrassment, Clark really began to get into the routine. He'd stop
and move his hips seductively from front to back, pulsing with the beat of the music. Then
he'd begin walking again and repeat what he had just done. He wondered if it was obvious that
he was counting his steps. The song reached the point where the music hesitated again and as
it stopped, Clark whirled around and ripped open the snaps of his shirt.
In spite of herself, Lois watched mesmerized. She stopped clapping and stared at Clark.
Jimmy noticed and reached over and jostled her out of her trance-like state. Clark saw the
telltale red begin to creep up her neck and face. "Lois blushing!" he thought to himself.
"I'd like to know what she was really thinking then!" After that he lost his concentration and
couldn't seem to remember quite what to do.
"No way!" Jack said, "Clark? A stripper? Anyone get any pictures?" Jimmy and Perry laughed.
"Flu? Ah, Clark's a big boy. I'm sure he can handle some measly bug," Superman smirked, unable to resist the oppurtunity. Lois seemed to have covered nicely with an excuse for Clark's absence.
"Watch it buster, that happens to be the man I'm in love with," Lois replied with a small smile.
Both Superman's and Jimmy's mouths dropped open. Jimmy was not looking at Superman's reaction and missed the expression of joy that covered Clark's face.
RRRiiinnnggg!!! Lois reached over to the side table and
slapped at the
alarm, trying to get the irritating sound to stop. When the
clock wouldn't
oblige, she sleepily tossed it to the ground. Intricate clock
mechanisms
sprawled haphazardly across the floor, but the ringing continued.
"Lois," Clark informed her, "that's the doorbell ringing."
"Oh," Lois looked sheepish.
Clark started getting out of bed. "We're going to keep the
alarm on my
side of the bed from now on. This is what, our fifth clock in
one month?"
Lois, too, began climbing out of bed. "Like it's my fault
that the
clock, doorbell, and phone all ring. Maybe if they sounded
completely
different
from one another, I wouldn't have this problem."
Clark laughed, kissing her out of her morning bad humor.
Since they'd
been married, Lois had complained more than once about his
perpetual pleasant
morning disposition, to which he had replied that if they both
awakened in
her
mood, they'd kill each other in a week.
"Martha, where do you come up with all these great ideas?"
"Pure genius."
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts Four page was born on June 29, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003