These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
"It's Friday, our story is practically finished, and we're off on Monday."
Clark threw his pencil down in mock outrage. "You are so right. This is like Chinese water torture or something."
"Anyway," Lois continued sleepily, "that must have been some
dream you
were having."
"It was."
"What was it about?"
Clark yawned. "Us, of course. What else is there?"
Lois thought rapidly. "It wasn't that one where you're the
sheriff and
I'm the saloon dancer, was it?"
"I said dream, not fantasy," Clark replied indignantly.
Lois laughed at Jimmy's reaction and gently said, "Yes, Jimmy, you . . . and Superman are the
first to officially know, so keep it quiet until we get a chance to announce it. Okay?"
Jimmy just nodded slightly and leaned back against the seat. Superman looked back and
grinned, "I think they make a great couple."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Lois, believe me," carefully (he looked so cute under stress, she thought, when the stress
wasn't so life threatening), "the smart ones will thrive and they have no emotional attachment
to their siblings."
"Are you sure?"
Even if he wasn't, "Yes," firmly.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"I've heard of cases where some guppies drop more than one hundred in one pregnancy."
"But I've only thought of three names! Curly, Larry, and Moe!"
"You know six of the Seven Dwarfs," as though he thought that would help. "That makes nine."
"But they're all male names. Curly and Moe can be female names. Twenty?"
He simply nodded.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Clark was the unselfconsious one who relaxed after surviving an argument, the one who wore the Spiderman T-shirt, the one who cuddled up with her to watch her "Lethal Weapon 2" for the third time or his "The Bear" for the second -- and no more despite his suggestions; there was only so much wilderness pathos she could take before she started siding with that mountain lion.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Clark, the reason I didn't marry Lex was because I couldn't."
"Well, the groom jumping from the 22nd floor can do that to the best-laid wedding plans."
Sarcasm does not become you, Clark, she thought, even if I deserved that . . . "His jumping
had nothing to do with it and the police arriving before that didn't, either. Now, you
weren't there, you were . . . tied up somewhere else, I imagine," caged up was the better word,
damn Lex . . .
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
Yes, he was definitely going to take them off. But he'd still look the same, just glasses-less. What would he say then? "Do you, ah, recognize something about me, Lois?" "No, you still look like good old Clark . . . " except he probably wouldn't be squinting. He'd look concerned and then say "Hold that thought," and he'd rush away (but not at superspeed) and wet his hair in the kitchen and finger comb it back and return and sit down and replace his napkin on his lap and say "Now?" She'd try to look pensive. "You look like you just came out of the shower . . . " "Well, then, how about this?" and he's sit back and fold his arms across his chest and look as noble as he could, as though the cape were billowing out behind him as he stood atop the highest building in Metropolis looking for some crime wave to thwart or bus full of orphans to rescue. She'd frown and look thoughtful. "There is something . . . familiar about you . . . " she'd say. There was no way in the world she was going to run away or start screaming at him as he seemed to fear -- or else why would he be so nervous now? She definitely wasn't going to be anything but calm and collected about this. He was going to understand that she could take this, there was no reason to hesitate any longer.
"Oh, no, that isn't it at all, Miss . . . Lois, and I don't want to bother Superman, he's so busy all the time, but I don't need to bother him, I have Clark.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Wait a minute!" Lois exclaimed, sitting up. "Hold that thought, Will."
Clark glanced at her, trying not to let any curiousty show, probably. Too late. She
grabbed at his nearer shoulder, took a handful of his jacket, and yanked. As intended, caught
off guard (as he often was, she reflected later) he swayed toward her and she pinned him with
the roughest, hungriest kiss on the mouth she could muster. It was brief, all things considered,
but the intensity of it pushed him back off balance and just about knocked his socks off.
"I'm not through with you!" she growled.
" . . . okay . . . " he peeped, almost breathless with the effort to put up some kind of
struggle.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
She resumed a composed and business-like attitude and looked at Will next. "You were saying?"
"Ah . . . " Will looked at Clark.
Clark appeared (she saw in a sideways glance) rather like he'd been hit by lightening and
his glasses were steamed up. Good. He wasn't saying anything nor looking like he was
contemplating it nor actually did he appear able to speak, which was just fine as there was
nothing she wanted to hear him say at the moment. She could take care of things perfectly well.
He may have been the guy of steel on the outside, but inside he was all marshmallow and he'd
just experienced some toasting.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well, I decided to become a Private Investigator!" and he tried to regain some of the excitement he had expressed when he had originally tried to announce it to the two . . . lovebirds sitting (well, one was sitting, the other was recovering) before him.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"If you don't argue with me, you'll make it in plenty of time."
"Argue? Me? No, you have the wrong girl..."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"But what if you get home first?"
"I know where the spare is hidden."
And if he forgot, he could lift the roof up and slip in.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
That wasn't what she wanted to hear, which lead to her deciding to attack with the second
question, late into the conference when things were getting really dull and the Council had
had it's way too long in all this. She stood up for this one. Some behind her said quietly,
"Uh-oh..." and everyone else's projected questions were put on hold.
"We were lead to believe Superman was going to be here..."
"Go, Lois!" she heard, just.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
When Jimmy was out of sight, she got up and sat down at Clark's desk, booting up his computer and entering his password. It didn't work. The weekly change over had occurred yesterday, she recalled now, and he hadn't had time to tell her what he'd chosen that morning because Perry had dispatched them so quickly to look into the reports of the monster being seen at the outskirts of the city. She would probably have been able to guess, she told herself, given the time, like six years since he knew so many languages, but sitting there at his desk that long would have eventually have gathered unwanted attention.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
At 4:30,
totally uncalled for, a soft chime sounded from the speaker
embedded beside her screen and she was surprised to see popping up
into the middle of her copy a box of text that informed her: "If
you're reading this, you're Lois and you're hard at work.
Probably. Since you haven't figured out where my copy is and if you
still want to it before Perry does, key macro Clark."
On top of everything else he's a computer nerd who's figured
out my password again...
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Ah! See Councilor Smith, how clumsy he is?"
"Everyone spills their water now and then, particularly when they're elbowed."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"But you needed the money for Wanda Mae, that's understandable," Clark reminded him.
"Superman didn't think so . . . "
"Well, he can be a little . . . "
"Up tight?" Lois offered.
"Yeah, that --"
"Boy scoutish?"
Clark looked at her. She almost added, 'sef righteous,' but not only would that have been
incaccurate, mostly, he said plainly, 'You've made your point . . . . "
"But," she smiled, softening everything, "that's what makes him so sweet and innocent."
"Ah, yeah . . . " as though he didn't see himself at all that way. Well, he probably didn't.
Maybe, she thought, I should have said "lovable," just to see his reaction.
"And," Will added, obviously trying to distance himself a bit from any new fray, "I don't
think he looks through walls at naked ladies, either . . . . "
"I can't imagine him doing that," Lois said.
"He'd never do that," Clark confirmed.
Definitely innocent, Lois thought.
"This stupid rent-a-car!" Lois fumed, "It handles like a lawnmower!" She pounded on the
steering wheel, "The air bag didn't even work." She pounded once more on the steering wheel, and
the air bag exploded open into her face. It took every last bit of Clark's restraint to keep
from keeling over with laughter, while Lois struggled to get it out of her face. "Mmmhhff!
Hhhffff!!!" Finally, in desperation, Lois stabbed the air bag with her fingernail. The air
gushed out of the air bag.
"What did that air bag ever do to you, Lois?" Clark asked with a grin, which quickly
dissolved into full-fledged laughter at the indignant look on Lois' face.
"I was reading this article about Superman in this magazine, and in it the writer asked several women what they thought of Superman. One woman, and I'm quoting, said, "He has a body to die for!" Another said, "Not many men can get away with spandex, but he can!" Then a fourteen year old who's life you saved in a fire says, "I am hopelessly in love." Geez, Clark. You know how to make an impression, don't you?" she grinned.
"Thanks, Clark! Now I'm all wet and you can practically see right through my shirt!" she
yelled, trying to keep her anger and not succeeding. Looking at him, she saw that he had
already figured that out.
"Like I couldn't anyway," he told her.
Lois Lane sat staring at the colors blending in her dryer, amazed at the colors changing --
red and blue to grey . . .orange and purple to black . . . at once she sat up straighter. Red
and Blue to Grey? Superman to Clark. Clark to Superman. She screamed. "Clark! Get down
here!"
Clark Kent ran downstairs. "What?"
"Get into that dryer!"
"Excuse me?"
"Is that how you change, by spinning?"
"Change what?"
"INTO SUPERMAN?"
Clark nodded, dazed. "But not in a dryer."
It was a Monday morning and Clark walked into the newsroom to find a very grumpy Lois sitting
at her desk. Knowing that chocolate was the miracle drug for her, he approached her cheerfully.
"Here Lois, want one?" he asked holding out a bag of Reece's pieces.
"No Clark, I don't want one. I hate those! They're just pretty shells with hardly anything
inside! You're the only one who likes them around here!"
Clark sighed. Obviously his partner wasn't in mood to gab this morning.
"So here's Chase, drooling over this super-stud in a costume, while she has this nice-guy
millionaire, Bruce Wayne, who's hot for her. And she doesn't even realize they're the same guy.
How dense can a girl get?"
"Do you really want an answer to that?" Clark asked, trying to hold back from laughing at
the irony of the conversation.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"I see him, but I don't see anything . . . wrong with him . . . "
"He . . . he has knees!"
Huh? Clark turned his concerned frown on her, just managing not to laugh. "Of course
he has knees! He wore shorts during that heat wave Luthor caused, remember?"
"Then, yes, but I heard he had them surgically removed. It's why he paces funny."
"No, it's not, I heard that was due a war wound in an inconvenient place."
"Yeah, the Gaza Strip."
"No, in his anatomy. Besides, he needs knees to get down on to beg Mr. Stern not to fire
us if we don't find another story soon."
"Or if your neighbors make hash of DA Dawis."
"Or if you don't get an exclusive interview with Richard Gere."
"Or if you don't wrangle one with Demi Moore."
"Demi Moore? Jimmy said Nicole Kidman."
"Moore, Kidman -- what's the difference?"
"Well, actually --"
"Actually, it doesn't matter, we don't stoop to Tinseltown gossip, do we?"
"Well --"
"Do we?"
"But if Nicole Kidman is here in Metropolis, in Ellison Park, my park,
near my house . . . . "
"Clark . . . " She bumped against him gently, a move calculated, he realized, to distract
him from thoughts of any other woman in the world but her.
It worked. "Nicole who?"
"That's better."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"We learned what to do about that in school," Sue explained. "We're supposed to yell 'No!' at them and run away and tell our parents or adults we know, like you," and she squinched her eyes and smiled dreamily at him.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well, good, because he's not strange, he's . . . "
What? Oh, Clark thought, don't struggle.
"He's . . . "
Then again, struggle can be good for building character . . .
Perry raised an eyebrow. "He's?"
"He's . . . ours. He belongs to Metropolis and . . . he works for the world, so people
have a right to know about him. He's not strange -- he's news" she smiled, obviously pleased
to have found the words she wanted.
But, Clark thought, I never wanted to be news . . .
She continued, "What he does in his private life -- if he has one, and I'm sure he does --
he must, I mean, who doesn't? -- is his own business. There could be a normal guy under that
suit." She shot a look at Clark. "Right?"
"Oh, yes, right, completely right --"
"Like . . . like you, for example."
"Well, not like me . . . "
She somehow refrained from giving him a "what was I thinking?" look -- or would she have
said that? Was she refraining? -- and she said kindly: "Something like you then."
"Maybe . . . " He always seemed to end up with the short end of the stick when she was making
such comparisons, which had been rare of late, now that he thought about it. But he didn't
feel the loser today, that was nice.
Perry shook his head at the both of them. "Lois, next you'll tell me he has a wife and kids
in Jackson Hole . . . "
"I doubt that."
Clark did too, though, oddly enough, he'd been in the mountains near there during the night
before.
"Not with the way he looks at you . . . " Perry said.
"He hasn't looked like that at me in a long time and that's perfectly all right with me."
It was? Really? Then he was doing some things right.
"Uh-huh . . . "
"But it's true. I have a life to get on with. He's a nice person, and I have the feeling
he'll always be there for me, but . . . "
"But it's the wife and kids back in Wyoming, I understand."
Whatever.
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"Well, he's okay at cleaning and patching up, but he'd
probably be flying around in his paisley swimming trunks and a
black mask made out of an old tie if he'd had to think of a
disguise all by himself." But, Martha reminded herself, Clark
knew that or he wouldn't have asked for help. He didn't always
seem to think about his limits, but when he did it usually turned
out for the better. "That certainly would have been more
interesting than the tights though."
Lois smiled as she gave that some thought. "He'd have a lot
more women than me chasing after him then."
From Debby Stark's Dawning series
"And isn't that
a little short to be a crop of some kind unless its... chives?
No, I know, onions!"
"It's grass, it's a pasture."
"Oh, of course. The horses way over there, that should have
told me..."
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts Five page was born on June 29, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003