These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you know where the fanfic came from (I didn't start labeling all of them until way after I made this page, and I've forgotten where I got most of them), my e-mail address is klane at digital dot net.
Superman reminded himself to breathe (it worried her when he didn't).
"Hi, Lois!" A perky voice that always seemed to
interrupt at the most inopportune moments.
/I swear this kid's got a radar../ "Jimmy. Of course.
What can I do for you?"
"Actually, I need to talk to CK -- he said I could catch
him there..?"
"Did he. How thoughtful of him. Hold on." She
turned to Clark, a look of mild annoyance on her face. "It's for
you." As he walked toward her, she whispered, "Do you plan
on telling Jimmy every time you're over here?"
Clark shrugged sheepishly as he took the phone from
her. "Hi, Jimmy."
"You wanted me to call at 7:45. It is now 7:45--"
Jimmy announced.
Clark interrupted him. "You got it? Great!"
"Huh?"
Clark could hear the confusion in Jimmy's voice, but
he pressed on with his make-believe conversation. "It's with
who?"
"Clark, what are you talking about?"
He dropped his voice to a stage whisper. "Hmm.. So
that means I gotta go get it right now, before he leaves town."
"Hello, Clark. Earth to Clark. This is Jimmy.
Who do you think you're talking to?"
Clark sighed noisily. "Lois is gonna be mad--"
Jimmy finally decided to just play along. "Absolutely
furious, Clark, she'll probably never forgive you."
"Yeah, well.. whatever."
"My thoughts exactly," Jimmy agreed.
"Thanks, Jimmy, I owe you one."
"Uh-huh."
Jimmy hung up the phone, and turned to his date.
"One of these days, I may even find out what that was all
about," he commented.
It was almost impossible; his hearing kept straying to the Clone. She was humming happily to herself, splashing every now and then, and breaking into a few bars of "Rubber Duckie." She didn't seem to know all the words, so she made them up as she went along. She was actually surprisingly creative and her uninhibited voice pleasant to listen to. If only she'd been the genuine article... he would have been in there splashing with her. Superman indeed!
Early in her pregnancy, both she and Clark had elected not to be told their
baby's sex, declaring that, "..it doesn't matter, so long as the baby's healthy,"
and "We want to be surprised."
When Lois was in her sixth month, she recalled just how much she hated surprises,
and had taken advantage of her obstetrician's momentary absence from the examining
room to study her file. By the end of that week, the baby's sex was no longer
a secret to anyone. Lois hadn't told a soul, but, as she'd overheard Clark
telling his parents on the phone one evening, "There can't be a pink blanket,
pink crib sheet, pink carpet, roll of pink flowered wallpaper or piece of pink
baby furniture left in Metropolis, because Lois has found them all and brought
them here."
Jonathan had counseled him that it was, "...probably a good idea to humor a
woman in Lois' condition." Martha made the expected, sympathetic responses to
Clark's complaints. Then, asking to speak with Lois privately, Martha advised
her not to spare the lace, ruffles or bows.
From Debby Stark's Dawning Series: Part 2
Jonathan had been scandalized, forgetting Clark had been back and forth to China dozens of times. What if their son had been waylaid, gotten lost, or, gasp! ruined his only suit?
From Debby Stark's Dawning Series: Part 2
"You want to know about me?"
My goodness, was Lois deaf? No, no, no, just incredulous.
From Carla Humbert's 'I'm Going To Go Back There Someday'
"Lois? He's in there with Lois?"
"Lois Lane?" Ching demanded. "You've been using
this device to establish contact with your girlfriend? Do you
know what this machine can do? It is not a kissing booth!"
From Barbara's 'Beginnings'
Lois turned off the light in the bathroom and joined
Clark in bed. "Think maybe this might be a touchy subject
between them?" She leaned over and mockingly swooned over
Clark. "I mean...superheroes are hard to resist. Could he be a
bit jealous of her friendship with the man with pointy ears?"
Clark laughed at her acting abilities. "You could be
right...it does get tough having to fight off all of those
women throwing themselves at my feet..." He assumed his
Superman pose, folding his arms and looking gallant.
"Oh right...Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter by
day...superhero desperately running from groupies by night."
From Barbara's 'Beginnings'
"Come on, Lois..." He reached up and put his hand on her mouth. Moving her lips up and down, he said, " 'You're right, Clark.' See...I knew you could do it!"
From Ben Pistorius' 'A Flash In The Pan'
Lois capped the pen and marched over to him, poking him in the chin with its tip. "Now listen. I may not have super powers, but if you try anything funny, you won't need to vibrate your vocal cords in order to sound funny. Do we understand each other?"
From Ben Pistorius' 'A Flash In The Pan'
"What do you think you're doing, buster?" she asked
him.
"Huh? What are you talking about?" She pointed to
the seat-belt hanging loosely by the door. "Oh, that! Lois, I'll
be out of the car saving the day before we get into an
accident." He laughed. Lois frowned harder. Flash stopped
laughing. Lois narrowed her eyes. Flash buckled his seat-belt.
From Ben Pistorius' 'A Flash In The Pan'
"Okay, you can talk now," Flash told her. She slapped
her hand across his face.
"Ow!" they both said in unison.
From Olga and Jo's 'No More Cloning Around'
"Why, you... You can't do this!" Lois yelled. *Clark* said,
"Oh, can't we! You see, I have a weapon in my hand, ready to
blow you to kingdom come, if necessary. What do you have?
Nothing. Now shut up and get moving!"
Knowing that her husband would never talk to her like that,
Lois moved! "So, how come she does what he says?" Clark
thought to himself.
From Olga and Jo's 'No More Cloning Around'
After Clark was finished, Jimmy, could only say, "Wow!" Perry, the more rational of the two, exclaimed, "Well, griddle my pancakes, and call me waffles!"
From Olga and Jo's 'No More Cloning Around'
"Great shades of Elvis, slap me with a blue suede shoe, but aren't you me?" Perry asked. "Why, yes," the Perry clone answered, "but I'm better looking!" "What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?" Perry demanded, "You have got everything you have from me, only it's in alien mode!" "Shh, not so loud or else everybody will want to be like me," the clone hissed. "I wouldn't bet the farm on it," Perry remarked.
From Lilloney's 'Compromises and Reunions'
"Watch it, farmboy! You can be replaced!"
"Yeah, by who?"
"Oh.. Jack! And he knows how to type, too!"
"Ohmygosh, my competition looms!"
"No, he can't weave, but, Clark, you and I can...!"
From Debby Stark's 'SwapMeet: Burbank'
"Superman is a clone in this one."
"Argh--no! We did that out the..." he waved at the screen and by extension the history of his show, "the *kazoo* already!"
"Okay... victim of Carbon Copy Man? Power transfer to a hapless nerd who just *looks* like Superman but parts his hair on the other side and walks with a gimp?"
From Debby Stark's 'SwapMeet: Burbank'
He took the glasses completely off.
The world did not stop. No one stumbled to a screeching halt, clutched at their hearts or pointed at him and gasped "You're...!" Top reporters from the Metropolis Star didn't jump out from behind the fake walls and flash pictures; women didn't faint *or* lunge at him; and babies didn't gurgle knowingly.
From Debby Stark's 'SwapMeet: Burbank'
Justin leaned close to her. "Maybe it's a script idea," he suggested. "Remember when she asked us if we wanted to play leetle teeny people," he held up his thumb and forefinger, indicating half an inch, "and only Dean volunteered?"
From Debby Stark's 'SwapMeet: Burbank'
"Wow," his new friend said. "Your hair *is* black!"
"No, it's still wet. It's brownish when it dries."
"It's not blue tinted?"
That made no sense. Clark briefly imagined himself among a bevy of little old ladies.
From LabRat's 'Professional, but Naughty'
"Lois, I *have* made out in the back seat of a car before," Clark protested, stung by her need to explain the physicality of the task. Honestly, sometimes he wondered if confessing to being inexperienced had been entirely a good thing. Sometimes, Lois seemed to equate it with him having been wrapped in saran wrap and vacuum-sealed before their wedding day.
From LabRat's 'Burnout'
Her deep brown eyes flashed over him like an incendiary bomb and she snorted. "Well, not all of us can dress down like you can, Kent." She made an exaggerated moue of disapproval as her scathing gaze raked over the faded blue jeans and simple black t-shirt. "I mean really, Clark." She stabbed a hand at the bright neon logo spread across his chest. "Batman?"
Clark ducked his head to view the yellow oval with its black bat centerpiece and then shrugged as he looked up at her again. "It came free with my last box of Cheerios," he defended his sense of haute couture. "Well, you had to send away twenty tokens and a dollar eighty five, but that's *almost* free, especially when you consider -- "
From ML Thompson's 'Super Stud'
Clark's ability to concentrate on anything but her was limited to minutes at a time. The longest he'd been able to go without telling her he loved her was probably fifteen minutes. After the first few times, he managed to get creative. She now knew that 'Je t'aime' was 'I love you' in French. 'Ich liebe dich' was German and 'Eu amo-te', Portuguese. He'd also acquainted her with 'I love you' in a couple of dozen other languages. At one point, he'd started tapping his fingers on the table. Given the fact that she couldn't make out a pattern, she'd asked what he was doing only to be informed that he was telling her he loved her in Morse Code.
From ML Thompson's 'Super Stud'
"I'll tell you what the fashion statement is," said Cat, about two steps behind Jimmy. "Man's shirt. Man's sweats, rolled up at the ankles..."
Lois suddenly glanced down at herself in horror. She hadn't even thought about the fact that she was still wearing Clark's clothes.
"...If this was anyone but Lois Lane, I'd say she got laid last night," Cat concluded.
"Don't be ridiculous," said Jimmy. "This is Lois. She was probably pursuing a story and in the process had to hide in a marsh. Her clothes were ruined so she stole these from a clothes line on her way back from..."
From Yvonne Connell's 'Purity'
Lois sat down, stabbed a piece of bacon with her fork, and pointed it at him. "Okay, I give in, Mr Wise-guy. You think you can bully me into telling you what's on my mind with that mild-mannered act of yours-"
"Bully you?" asked Clark in amusement.
"Yes, bully me. You know I can't stand it when you're kind and understanding with me."
"Would you prefer the strong-arm approach?" He put on a stern look. "Woman, tell me the truth before I strike you down with my ire." He bent across and ate the bacon off her fork. "And bring me a flagon of ale to wash this down while you're at it, wench."
From Yvonne Carroll's 'Fear of Discovery Part IV'
Maybe Clark and Lois had had unprotected sex together and Clark was worried about the outcome.
And did Lois know about all this?
"So you need to give me a sample," Dr Klein was saying. "You do know what I mean by a sample?" he added, lowering his voice confidentially.
Oh, CK knew *all* about that! He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know what you mean." He was sure Clark did, too.
"You'll come over now, then?" Dr Klein cleared his throat. "Sorry to press you, but this is going to make for some fascinating research. I've never done any cross-species reproductive work before, only within a single species. Monkeys were my speciality, you know."
This was supposed to inspire confidence? "Really? I never knew."
From AlliCat's 'Amorous Lois'
"It’s ok, Clark. I’m alright," she whispered back. But she couldn’t control the rapid beat of her heart in her chest. She knew, she just knew that the doors would open and she’d seen her hose still lying crumpled on the floor or one of his buttons 'that’s right, he checked for that' or there would be the lingering smell of their passionate coupling. Her worst nightmare was that there would be a huge neon sign hanging from the ceiling screaming ‘Lois and Clark Made it in Here!!’
From AlliCat's 'Amorous Lois'
"I guess. Ok, maybe you’re right," she sighed.
"Wow! Twice in less than twelve hours!" he exclaimed.
From Yvonne Connell's 'Fear of Discovery Part IV'
"Let's go, then," he said suddenly.
"What - now? Together?"
"Yes, come on," he said, standing up. "We can fly high so no one sees us."
CK grinned. "Except maybe the military."
"Well, if we fly close enough, then hopefully all they'll see is a bigger dot than usual and think I've put on weight."
From Yvonne Connell's 'Fear of Discovery Part IV' (Note: Clark is AltClark, CK is our Clark, Lois is AltLois and L is our Lois)
Pitch-black night. A low, concrete building lurking in the middle of a deserted, dingy wasteland. Four dark figures huddled around a door.
Sounds of a murmured, though animated, conversation; something about hairstyles and the relative merits and demerits of colour-washes.
"Shhhh!"
<sigh>
"Oh, for goodness sake, CK, there's no-one here! Is he always such a worry-wart, L?"
"'Fraid so."
"Mine too. You'd think they'd be used to it by now."
"Personally, I don't know why they don't just leave this to those of us with the nerve-"
"Will you two be quiet?!"
"Relax, Clark."
"How can I relax when you two are doing your best to wake up half the neighbourhood?"
"This isn't a neighbourhood, it's a warehouse."
"There might be guards."
"CK said there weren't any guards."
Long pause.
"Well, maybe they just work nights."
Pause.
"Clark, do you want to do this or not, because-"
<Clunk>
"We're in."
Echoing footsteps on concrete.
"This place is big!"
"You any idea how she can tell it's big when it's pitch black in here?"
"Beats me, Clark."
"It feels big, okay?"
"Yes, Lois."
Pause.
Sotto voce aside. "It *feels* big?"
Soft murmur. "I think it's called women's intuition."
"Oh. Right."
"Are you two going to stand there chatting all night or are you going to start looking for these tapes?"
<Sigh> "Yes, L."
Silence.
Long silence.
"Well? What do you see?"
"Shhhh!"
"We're looking."
Pause.
"Any idea why they need silence to use their eyes?"
"Beats me, L."
"Better humour them, I guess."
"Yeah, men can't multitask like we can."
Silence.
"Okay, I think I've found the boxes for Holmes Security."
"Great, Clark! Where?"
"Over there."
"Ha. Very funny - you know I can't see where you're pointing."
"Thought maybe you could 'feel' it, sweetest."
Pregnant pause.
"Just get the tapes, okay?"
"Yes, Ma'am!"
<whoosh!>
<soft thud>
"Got them."
"And don't ever call me Ma'am again."
Pause.
Sotto voce aside. "Why did we bring them?"
"Beats me, Clark."
"Owww!"
"Ouch!"
"And don't pretend you two felt that."
<high five>
"Nicely done, Lois."
<low five>
"You too, L."
Long pause.
Very long pause.
"How did they see to do that, CK?"
"Beats me, Clark."
From LabRat's 'Sugar and Spice'
"Tell me I didn't ask Superman to read me a bedtime story!"
Clark chuckled and then shrugged as her eyes flew open to glare at him. "'fraid so," he confirmed. "At least, he did mention - "
Lois moaned again as her memories brightened unmercifully and then buried her face in her hands. "'Fox in Sox'!" she whimpered on a near wail. "I sat on Superman's lap while he told me 'Fox in Sox'!"
Her head jerked up as Clark watched her, at a loss as to how to respond to that. Although a small, uncharitable portion of him briefly considered taking up the offered opportunity to make his partner squirm - just a little. Payback for all the torture she'd put him through that evening. As he was rapping said portion sternly across the knuckles for its ungenerous thought, Lois' expression switched with a quickfire capriciousness he recognized from humiliation to calculating inquisitiveness.
"How'd Superman know 'Fox in Sox'?"
"I dunno. Maybe it was one of his favorites. When he......was a kid."
"You think?" A quick, fleeting curiosity crossed her face as she filed that away for future consideration in that portion of her mental file cabinet labeled: 'Superman - Curious Facts About', briefly mulling over the intriguing possibilities it hinted at, and then she crumpled into another wail. "How could I *do* that? I am never going to live this down, Clark! You realize that? Never!"
From Supermom's 'I'm in the Nude for Love'
"And why are you so upset? Didn't you ever go skinny-dipping when you were a kid? For heaven's sake, Clark, you grew up on a farm!"
"Why is it that everyone thinks farm kids do nothing but swim naked?"
From Elena, Chiara Prato, Kaethel & Wendy Richards' 'Falling Into You'
They walked up the steps to the front door. Lois fitted a key to the lock.
"You have a key?" Superman asked.
"Yeah, Clark gave it to me when he was away for the weekend once. He wanted me to feed his...uh, water his...uh, check on the place."
Superman gave her a doubtful look. She sighed. "Okay, so once I might have just borrowed the spare key from the hook in the kitchen and had it duplicated. It’s really just a precaution, you know, just in case."
From Debby Stark's 'Dawning part 14'
She nodded, she could see that, too. "It's hitting close to home and you're anxious to know what's behind it. That's natural. Patience is usually your middle name, Super... patient... man..."
From Zoomway's 'The Persistance of Memory'
Lois pressed the receiver to her ear and covered the mouthpiece. "Yes, very much. In fact ... oh, Dr. Klein?" Lois sighed with relief. "Thank goodness, I thought you were my mother. What? No, Dr. Klein, it had nothing to do with your voice... no, really, your voice is very masculine."
From IRC's Round Robin 'Thunderstruck'
Klein handed Lois a cup. The implication was obvious, but Klein paused. "I never had to ask this before, but do superheroes, uh.. well,"
Lois grabbed the cup. "Yes they do, and sometimes," she glared at Clark, "they leave the seat up."
From Hatman's 'One Super Date'
"We have reservations for 8:00," Superman said, approaching the maitre d'. "Sorry we're late."
"It is no problem, Superman," the man said, a little more loudly than necessary. "We have your table waiting."
Heads turned at the mention of the hero's name. The people nearest the door saw him and gasped. That drew the attention of the people at the next table, and the cry "Superman!" spread through the restaurant in waves. There was a brief moment of silence as everyone simply stared, shocked to see the superhero on what was clearly a date. Then, as the information was absorbed, clumps of whispered conversation began, growing and merging into a not-quite-intelligible murmur. A few snippets rose up above the general buzz. "He eats?" "He dates?" "I thought he was gay. He turned *me* down." "Who is she?" "Why couldn't that have been me?" "How did she land him?" "It'll never work. He isn't even human, is he?" "Look at that neckline. Floozy." "Is that even still considered a neckline?" "He said they were late, and her hair is out of place. Wonder what kept them...."
This version of my Lois and Clark Funny Parts Seven page was born on August 13, 2002
Last Update: August 5, 2003