CLARK: Duh, this villain says he's got proof of my identity? Should I check it out? Nah, let's not bother. He says he's kidnapped my parents. Shall I go looking for them? Nah. Duh . . . I'm going to believe everything this villian says.
CLARK: Steal diamonds? Sure, it's not like I have any sense of truth or justice, is it? It's not like there are any other options . . . I have no choice!
CLARK: Hey, I'm about to tell Lois my secret and I get interrrupted by a phone call threatening to reveal my secret. I know, I'll make a lame excuse about my barber, and rush off.
CLARK: We all know that L&C viewers are complete morons, just like
me, so while I investigate my apartment, I'll narrate the plotline
for them.
WRITER 1: Let's see, we've used eyes, ears, touch . . . that
leaves taste and smell. Taste is too risque . . . it's an 8pm show . .
let's use "super smell!"
CLARK: Oooh, here's something fun . . . lemme inhale that guy's
toupee! With my super-nostrils!
DIRECTOR: Close up on those flaring nostrils! Forget the pecs,
girls - those nostrils are really something! Oh, here's an opportunity,
let's use some nice Scooby Doo music during the sniffer dog scene . .
CLARK: Supersmell . . hmm . . perfume? Aftershave? No wait!
I've got it! FLOWERS! Yes! What kind of flowers . . .something
fragrant . . vanilla . . . ORCHIDS! Yes!
CLARK: Hey, man, your pecs are even nicer than your orchids.
CLARK: Why waste time air dancing with Lois when I could be zooming across a jewelry store floor, making these wonderful sound effects? Here's my impression of a 747 as I zoom across the jewelry store floor!
CLARK: Gee, I'm such a clever investigative reporter, I don't think I'll bother to wear gloves. And no one will recognize me on the security camera. I'll just wear a beanie - no one will recognize me!
LOIS: Clark, you are a criminal. I despise you.
CLARK: My parents have been kidnapped.
LOIS: Oh, Clark, you're so brave. I love you.
COP 1: Officer, did you arrest Kent for that burglary?
COP 2: No, sir. His girlfriend said he was with her all night.
COP 1: Oh, then that lets him off.
LOIS: It looks exactly like you! Oh, it couldn't be you! It must be a double! Gee, and he's even wearing your glasses. He must go to your optometrist!
WRITER 1: That Tempus Fugitive was a great ep! Let's use that in the finale! I know!
How about if Tempus wrote a diary!
WRITER 2: Wow! Great idea!
WRITER 1: We gotta have Intergang in there somewhere! I know! Nigel! No, wait - that
actor is getting really expensive . . . we should kill him off . . .
WRITER 2: I've got it! What if some guy finds Tempus' diary . . . and calls Nigel in
for help!
WRITER 1: Cool!
WRITER 2: Oh and of course . . we've got to have some of those 'Lois, I'm Sup . . ' for
the trailer.
WRITER 1: Oh yeah, we gotta push down that fourth wall too!
WRITER 2: How about a few jokes about Dean's football days? Everyone knows about that!
It'll be a riot!
WRITER 1: Hey, you know there are all these fans of L&C out there who don't have a life -
why don't we give them something to talk about?
WRITER 2: Oh man - I just crack myself up! This writing is a piece of cake!
WRITER 1: We have to bring the Kents in, the contract says they have to be on 8 shows a
year.
WRITER 2: The Kents! Gotta give K and Eddie some screen time. Wait! I've got it!
We can juxtapose them with L&C! Oh man, I'm too much!
JONATHAN: Martha, we can't go to Metropolis again. We only just got back from the last
episode. Besides, who's gonna run the farm while we're gone?
MARTHA: Well, it's run itself all the other times we've made gratuitous visits to Metropolis.
MARTHA: Oh, look, Jonathan. That nice villain has provided us with camp beds in our lead-lined cell. I wonder what those air vents are for?
CLARK: Nice throw with the Kryptonite, Dad. Have you been practising with the cowpats again?
CLARK: Heat and eat Lois!
MARTHA: Turn Lois over, Clark - she's done!
JONATHAN: Throw another Lois on the barbie!
CLARK: Live, Lois! We have to get onto the last scene!
CLARK: Mmm, I'll just reheat my Frozen Lois and with my awesome power of supertaste, I'll take a bite. Hmm, needs a little more salt.
CLARK: Tempus got it wrong. It wasn't Lois Lane breakfast cereal, it was Lois Lane TV dinners.
CLARK: Hey, I seem to remember Tempus. Is that the episode where Lois and I kissed and then went for a quick shag before Herb turned up?
CLARK: I want the entire future of the series mapped out . . . I'll just quickly read that diary!
CLARK: Of course, I know there's only one diary . . . . no villian would ever think to make a copy!
CLARK: Tempus' diary says Lois and I get married and have 12 kids - better propose to her now, so I give her plenty of time. Lois isn't getting any younger - 26 today, 36 tomorrow.
CLARK: 12 kids? Why stop at twelve?!? Well, I 'll just have to keep her pregnant for the rest of her life then!
PERRY: Hey, Jimmy, I've hardly had a line of dialogue all episode. It's because thsoe evil
fans are only interested in romance.
PRODUCER: How much are we paying Lane Smith? THAT much? Geez, you'd better write him
some extra lines.
NIGEL: Hey, I hate being a secondary character. I know, I'll kill Lois and take her place!
WRITER 1: Network says that Nigel guy wants too much money . . . we gotta kill him off.
Okay, work with me here . . . how can we kill him off? Hmm . . . I know, he double crossed
Lex . . . what if Tempus Jr. double crosses Nigel!
WRITER 2: Oh man, that's great! We'll have this done in 15 mins! Then we can all go have
a drink and get pissed!
WRITER 1: Yeah, and Tempus Jr. is also a Lex/Bill Church Jr. clone, we'll have him do
something really suave. Gotta give him a name no one can spell.
WRITER 2: But he has to be stupid as well as suave.
WRITER 1: Oh, we gotta include lots of WaFF! Hey, we'll have lots of kissy-face! That'll
do the trick. It doesn't matter what crap we write, so long as there is a WaFF and kissy-
face on the end!
WRITER 2: And you know . . . those guys in the sound department complained last week
because we didn't have enough for them to do. Gotta have some of those really cool sound fix.
SPECIAL FX GUY: Hey, give us in special effects something to do too! We've just bought
this groovy dry ice machine and we want to try it out.
WRITER 1: Okay, we have K for Supes. What about his parents? I know! Poisonous gas!
WRITER 2: Great, man! I'll jot these ideas down on the back of my beer coaster.
These next few are from Home Is Where The Hurt Is.
Lois: You don't sneeze, do you?
Clark: I don't know. Gorn and Gail haven't done the Bible yet. And unless
it was in OP or JSN, Brad and Eugenie don't remember.
Sam Lane: Yep, he's in a coma all right. In my humble opinion of alien
physiology anyway. Yep, I just touched him, took his pulse, and
confirmed it! I didn't check the dilation of his pupils or use any other
means. I'm a medical genius and can, therefore, immediately tell when an
alien is in a comatose state.
Martha: Oh my. How awful. And he seemed like such a nice boy. Oh well.
C'mon Lois. Let's get back to your place. They must have rigged the
microwave by now and I'm sure we all could use a cup of coffee.
Lois: I guess you're right Martha. I love you Clark. A kind of 'unique,
star-crossed destiny' kind of love... but, oh well. Guess I'll see you round
sometime, maybe....
Clark: C'mon, Lois. One more WAFF for the Folcs in here. Let's go out
onto your balcony.
Lois: But Clark... I don't HAVE a balcony!
Clark: When has that kind of continuity ever stopped us before?
Lois: Oh Clark... I wuv you so reely, treely much.
Clark: Oh snooky bear...
This is from Ordinary People (OP).
Comic Writer #1: Okay, how should we change Lois' apartment this week?
C.W. #2: Well, how about if we leave the door number as 501, but then have Sman say that
she lives on the third story?
C.W. #1: Oooooh, that's good - but it might be too subtle. Do you think the FoLCs will
pick up on it?
C.W. #1: Are you kidding??? There'll be a post about it within the first hour after the
show airs. It'll drive them up the wall!!
Both: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha [twirling mustaches]
This next one is sort of mixed up, but it's around Contact, so here goes . . .
Power That Be #1: Okay. We gave them total bliss last week, right? Lots of those W-A-F-F
things . . .
PTB #2: WAFFs?
PTB #1: Yeah, that's what they kept saying about it. "WAFF, WAFF, WAFF . . . " What it
means is beyond me!
[Teri walks by, in between scenes.]
Teri: Warm and Fuzzy Feeling . . .
[She stands off to the side, playing with a Slinky]
PTB #1: Oh right. I knew that. Anyway, we gave 'em a bunch of WAFFs last week . . . it
should make up for the A-Plot based episodes and more of what they call these 'kleenex' villians,
right? They'll never notice . . .
Teri: The FoLCs notice everything.
[Teri is needed on the set and walks away, leaving the two PTB alone for awhile, where they
continue with their evil plan]
PTB #1: Folks????
PTB #2: No, F-o-L-Cs . . . FoLCs. Fans of Lois and Clark. Didn't you read the acronym
list printed out from the listserv?
PTB #1: (slightly embarrassed) Ah . . . no. I was fighting for that mutating Superman
episode they ditched for 'Individual Responsibility', remember?
PTB #2: Oh yeah . . .
PTB #1: I still can't believ they scrapped that! [grumble, grumble] We have to make up for
that . . . . SOMEHOW!
PTB #2: Well, Chris is writing an episode about aliens . . . not much you can do with that.
The world seems to LOVE aliens! I mean, this show's main character is an alien, and look at
the success of the X-Files!
PTB #1: Don't remind me. Okay fine. We can't mess with the A-Plot. Gawd, I love that
word! So . . . back to where we started. B-Plot.
PTB #2: Watch out . . . dangerous territory! Mess with that and those FoLCs could chuck
a spaz and spam us! And I'm really worried about one who has this infatuation with cheese and
crackers . . .
PTB #1: What's the worst they can do? We dangle them around a bit. They'll love it! [eyes
light up]
PTB #2: [drops his head into his hands] Haven't you been hearing their prayers?
PTB #1: Huh?
PTB #2: "Our Father, who art in Burbank, Robert Singer be thy name. Let our kingdom
come, our will be done, in Metropolis as it is in fanfic --"
PTB #1: Fanfic? What is this?! WAFF, FoLC, fanfic . . . What language are YOU speaking?
PTB #2: [sigh] Fiction. Written by fans of the show. About the show.
PTB #1: Oh good. Now those pesky FoLCs are trying to put us out of a job! Well then . . .
I say we strike back! Mwa ha ha . . .
PTB #2: No, I don't think that's a very good --
PTB #1: If we can't eliminate their precious B-Plot altogether, we can certainly mutilate
it!
PTB #2: --idea . . . [gulp]
PTB #1: I got it! Oh geez . . . what's that acronym for an evil grin?
PTB #2: [checks his listserv printout] That would be "[eg]"
PTB #1: Thanks. [eg] Okay. We . . . RE-SET the romance! Didn't Bob say we needed some
roadblocks?
PTB #2: I stopped listening to Bob halfway through last season . . .
PTB #1: Okay, here's one: We have Clark become an idiot and tell Lois that he loves her
too much for anything bad to happen to her again. And as she's about to tell him she wants to
marry him, he cuts her off. I say we do this twice. That'll annoy the hell out of those FoLC
people. I mean, there's nothing they can do! Here's Clark, being kind of sweet, yet we get to
destroy the WAFFy relationship! We win, they lose, I'm happy and that 2 n's person loses her
cheese again. Yeah . . .
The next is from Swear To God, This Time We're Not Kidding. The wedding episode. It's a bit different, though, from the other types of Mocking. This has different characters, but mainly the same lines as the episode.
Alternative STG
--Myrtle as WB or the Exec. Producers (depending on your view of who bears more
responsibility for the latter half of last season! :-))
--Voile Grumman (?sp.) as ABC
--Nunk as the "Deep Throat" leaking information about the INPY-DJ-Seconds arc to
the internet
--Lois & Clark as both the Actors (who've been fighting to get the characters
together since the first season) and the Fans
--Mike as the writing staff....
(WB/EP enters ABC's office:)
(WB/EP and ABC in ABC's office after WB/EP torches the gazebo)
(WB/EP and ABC confront Deep Throat after the Actors/Fans have grilled ABC)
(At the church)
(Hilltop wedding)
This is from the last episode of the ARC, or as most call it, the AARRGGHH. The name the
rest of the world knows it as is Oedipus Wrecks.
Dr. Deter, the smarmy, condescending jerk will now be played by *ABC*
Clark/Superman will now be played by *FOLC*
Lois Lane will now be played by *The Show.*
Herkimer Johnson will now be played by *The Writers*
Now, on with our story:
ABC: "There's light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a very long tunnel.
Later
ABC: "There is no wrong or right. There's only need" (ratings)
later:
FOLC: "I can't do this. I can't. I see The Show struggling and I'm just
supposed to stand there? I'm not used to being this helpless. I don't trust
ABC."
The Writers are riding along smoothly and suddenly hit a speed bump (this was
too good)
The Show: "That was pointless. Long, but pointless. Where do we go now?"
Later:
The Show: "ABC, I'm fine!"
The Writers interrupt with a call to ABC
The Writers: "It's not gonna work, ABC. Everything I've ever worked for is
going down the toilet. If you don't talk to me, things are gonna get
bad..real bad."
The Show (in ABC's office): "I just want this whole thing to be over with!"
ABC tells The Show to trust him completely, and then tells The Show, "This
story you're working on means nothing. You love only me."
Let's fast forward to the ending.
ABC is frantically trying to destroy the machine that can put an end to the
story arc.
FOLC arrives and pulls the plug on the runaway arc machine.
The Show remembers who FOLC is. The Show punches ABC in the nose. And then
FOLC and The Show spend a waffy moment getting reacquainted.
The End
These next few lines are mocking Meet John Doe.
"You know, Perry," Clark frowned, "I can tell when a person is
brain-washed
by just looking in their eyes. Put me and that poor, deluded person in
a room together and, especially if it's Lois..."
"Yes, son? You all recall now how she's been brainwashed quite a few times
already..."
"I know, she's a charter member of Brainwashed Anonymous."
"And she's used up a lot of her sick leave dealing with it, too.
"Ah, true, so it will take a careful approach, I'll do whatever's
necessary,
I can't let her see my fear."
"Thanks, Chief. So don't expect to see us for, oh, at least a few hours
while
I determine the extent of the . . . ah, brainwashing."
These lines are also mocking Meet John Doe
CK: "Lois, everyone likes Tempus, even you!"
And that's all I have for now! If you feel like mocking the show, e-mail me, so I can yell at you for mocking the show, then kindly put your
words on-screen. ;)
WB/EP: What's up, Doc?
ABC: So, WB/EP, tell me your plans?
WB/EP: Well, ABC, you know what my plans are.
ABC: Do they involve a certain pair of reporters who brought you nothing but
misery?
WB/EP: They just might...
ABC: As they prepare to marry and look forward to a life of great happiness,
will you be destroying all that?
WB/EP: I just might...
ABC: And will I be there to record it all in the name of science
WB/EP: Well, we'll just have to see if you're a good boy.
ABC: WB/EP, tell me everything!
WB/EP: Well, then..."Lois and Clark and how I will destroy their wedding."
WB/EP: ABC, are you pouting?
ABC: No, it's just...well, look, I must be honest. While certainly it's fun
cancelling airline reservations and burning down gazebos, it lacks the scope of
what I thought we we're trying to do (Contact, WIEAK, DTOSC, Supermann, T,A??).
WB/EP: I don't think you're seeing the whole picture, ABC....They overcome
these little inconveniences together and then they appreciate each other more.
In the face of all this adversity, he loves her for her fiery resolve. She
loves him for his quiet strength, the knowing way he draws her into his arms,
comforting her, whenever life's endless cruelties become too much for her. (the
"non-wedding/amnesia" arc?) And she can't imagine a world without him...but
that's exactly the kind of world she's going to be living in. A world with
simply the pain of being alive and alone is almost intolerable. (the New Krypton
arc?)
(Actors/Fans arrive at ABC's office)
WB/EP (to ABC as she leaves): Smile, lie through your teeth, and try not to
sweat too much!
ABC: It's that reporter. He turned us in, I'm telling you.
WB/EP: But if he has turned on us, we'll find out.
(Deep Throat arrives)
WB/EP: You talked to the Fans, didn't you? What'd you tell them? Did you tell
'em where to find me? Did you tell 'em what the plan was?
Deep Throat: I didn't tell them anything!
ABC: Interesting. He's lying!
WB/EP: How do you know?
ABC: I don't. I just think everyone's lying.
(
ABC zaps Deep Throat with his hands in typing position [g])
ABC and WB/EP: Oops!
Actors/Fans: You held those lives in the palm of your hand. You don't want to
do this anymore, WB/EP. Stop. Stop and we'll get you the help you need. But
end this, WB/EP. End it now.
(Outside the church, Writers go up to WB/EP)
Writers: It's all right, WB/EP. We'll talk later. You're going to be just
fine.
(Actors/Fans flying in sunset)
Actors/Fans: The further west we go, the more right it feels [just a guess, but
isn't ABC headquarters in NYC?]
Writers: I've got the best job in the world. I look out for people. Well, I
don't know about you, but I'm ready to get started.
Actors/Fans: Started?
Writers: It's time for you kids to get married! You've got your friends, your
family. It's a pretty nice day. You've even got a broken down old minister!
Actors/Fans: Look, everyone needs to know that this isn't some kind of evil
genius, clone, amnesiac fake-out because there would be a riot!
Writers: I'm just here to help you both get what you've wanted for so long and
what everyone has been waiting for so patiently and praying for so hard.
Sometimes it takes us a little while. But we're always listening....But after
everything that's happened, I think that you guys have learned something. Love
survives. Survives any joy, any sorrow, all the rights, all the wrongs. Even
life and death. But then you both know that already. Just like you know now
that you have finally arrived at the perfect time and the perfect place.
FOLC needs to relax."
FOLC: "I understand this is going to take a long time, but you can appreciate
my anxiety."
ABC: "I can't help but feel a little bit like Lex Luthor here"
ABC: "I have an idea."
FOLC: "Oh, joy."
ABC: "No, you're not, but you will be if you listen to me."
"Good idea, Clark. Take these ear plugs so you won't be distracted."
LL: "Not everyone . . . though he is a darn nice guy"
CK: "Who doesn't like him then?"
LL: "Gosh . . . let's investigate and see who doesn't like him and see
if there's any common factor!"
CK: "Great idea! And, by the way, I can hear his subsonic instructions
to the masses in the same way I hear police radios. I wonder if
that has anything to do with it? Hey, Jimmy! Turn off the TV,
it's distracting us, it . . . " Boing!
LL: TV?
CK: TV . . . do you think maybe I should check out some satellites?
This version of my Mock the Show page was born on August 5, 2003.
Last Update: August 5, 2003